For those of you that read my blog, I’d like to apologize for not writing lately. These past few weeks it’s been hard to figure out what to write about. Unemployment and the challenges that are involved with that have kind of owned my thoughts lately. More than that though, the health of my Mom and Dad has been on my mind more than anything else.

My Dad is doing very well for someone in his eighties. His health is good. I attribute this to the fact he walks about 2 miles everyday and has maintained a weight in the 150’s for years. My Mom on the other hand has been suffering with fibromyalgia for years. Put simply, fibromyalgia makes you hurt everywhere, all the time. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, but I would trade places with my Mom in a heartbeat, if I could.

I pray everyday that my family is healthy and my Mom’s pain will stop. Well, I’m here to tell you that I received an answer to my prayers! These past few weeks, my Mom started taking some new medicine that has reduced her pain level. For someone that has lived with pain for as long as my Mom has, to have any reduction in her pain level is significant! She’s been so happy since she started taking this new medicine. I’m so proud of my Mom! For her to deal with this pain for as long as she has and come through on the other side, she’s the bravest person I know!

I’m not trying to preach to anyone, but God answers prayers! My Mom is proof of that. Having my family around is proof of that. He gives you the strength to endure the hardships in life and make it through to the other side.

Randy

Last night, Debbie and I were in the kitchen getting dinner ready. I got some silverware to set the table, and then, I heard Debbie gasp, “what the heck is Bella doing?!” ( – only she didn’t really say “heck”, given the magnatude of what we both witnessed).

Bella is our chihuahua by the way, not our housekeeper.  I looked over and witnessed something I thought was both a sin against Mother Nature and up to this point, a physical impossibility! Our chihuahua, Bella, had latched onto the backside of our cat, Raja, and she then started to motion her hips like she had a hula hoop, only she didn’t have a hula hoop.

Now to put your mind at ease, Bella has been fixed, so there won’t be any mutants of canine and feline nature roaming the streets of San Elijo. It was both a disturbing and curious thing to witness. I’ve never heard of a dog trying to get it on with a cat, ever. Maybe I should check the bible and make sure it isn’t one of the signs of the apocalypse! Look out for The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and dogs getting it on with cats!!!!

I don’t know whether to call the Dog Whisperer or Guiness Book of World Records.

Do you think they sneak downstairs after we fall asleep and turn on the TV and watch the Spice Channel, (not that I do anything like that of course). I  guess I’ll see if there is a Sexually Confused Chihuahua for Dummies book at our neighborhood Barnes and Noble. Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it!

In all the commotion, I never mentioned how Raja reacted to all of this. When I looked down at her after it happened, she had this look on her face, that if she could talk, I swear she would say “Meow chicka meow meow”!!!

Randy

Life is about the simple pleasures. If you can obtain these simple pleasures and not spend a lot of money in the process, then that’s even better! So allow me to pass on this simple pleasure on to you.

I have found the world’s best back scratcher! No kidding! Now before you think I’ve lost my mind, let me explain. I don’t know if it’s because it’s winter and my skin is drier than normal, but my back tends to get itchy this time of year. Normally, I ask Debbie to scratch my itch, (no, that’s not a euphemism for you know what), but she can’t always be there to rescue me from my itchy dilemma. That’s where this back scratcher comes in. What’s awesome about this back scratcher is that it’s retractable! There is no itchy spot it can’t reach. The best part is that it only cost $5.99 plus tax at Bed Bath and Beyond! I was so happy with it that I bought one for the house and one for my car, for those pesky itchy moments that arise while you’re driving.

I’m so happy with this product, I’d do an info-mercial for them! “Hi, I’m Randy Hoag for the Scratch Mate”!!! (I know, don’t quit my day job, but I don’t even have a day job right now)! So if you see a guy driving down the road with a retractable metal back scratcher down the back of his shirt, with a goofy grin on his face, it’s me. I just hope Governor Arnold doesn’t pass a law making it illegal to scratch and drive at the same time. Hands free back scratchers……………………….naw.

Randy

My Mom and Dad just celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary! We all took them to a nice restaurant and had a great time! Each year we get them a nice anniversary card. My parents really enjoy getting a card for any occasion, birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc., so I wanted to make sure the anniversary card I got for them was perfect. This turned out to be harder than I thought it would be. Way harder!

Why does every anniversary card for your parents sound like you’re reading their eulogy!? I swear you could read any one of those cards I saw at a funeral! It took me about and hour and a half and three stores, until I found a card that didn’t sound like my parents were taking a dirt nap! I could have gotten my Mom and Dad a card with that cranky old lady on the front, that you see at every Hallmark store, but anything that cranky old lady has to say about anniversaries, doesn’t quite give you the warm, fuzzy feeling you’re looking for.

At one point, I was thinking I could find something at Spencers Gifts, but somehow I don’t think a card with really inappropriate naked people on the front of it, sitting in the lap of a teddy bear, flipping them the bird was going to convey the right message either. Maybe card stores should have a “One foot in the grave section with a sign that says, “The Grim Reaper’s pick of the week”.

Hey, maybe I can start my own anniversary card business! Roses are blue, violets are red. Happy anniversary, at least you’re not dead! Hmm, maybe I’ll just stick with radio for now.

Randy

Raja, our cat, is driving me bananas! What’s worse, she knows she is driving me bananas! I am playing a game of wits with a cat and losing. I’ll give you an example.

I was watching an episode of Ghost Hunters last night, that we had on our DVR. As I was sitting on the couch, I see a furry blur run over me and up the stairs. I thought I was going to have a heart attack right there! After I figured out it was Raja and not some disembodied spirit, I went upstairs to see what all the commotion was about. I looked in the first place I always look for her, under our bed.

As I near the bed, I hear this crinkling/chewing noise coming from our bedroom. I felt like I was Steve Irwin, in pursuit of the rare, but dangerous San Elijo panther, on safari in the deepest, darkest marshes of the San Elijo Lagoon! I followed the noise under the bed and “crikey, what a beauty”,  there was Raja with the wildest look in her eyes I’ve ever seen. She looked like one of those tigers you see at the zoo, not like a loving little house cat.  Honestly, she looked like she was possessed! I was waiting for her head to start spinning and to spit up some pea soup like substance, like a scene from the Exorcist! There was something in her mouth, that I fear used to be living, but couldn’t have been with the death grip Raja had on it! .

Being the man of the house, I knew I had to be the one to get this victim of Raja’s evil agenda away from her. I started by using the always popular, tride and true,”here kitty kitty kitty”. The trouble with “here kitty kitty kitty”, is that it never works, ever! She just continued to stare at me with those crazy eyes! My next move was the one I dreaded most. I had to reach my hand in and take the “post mortem whatever it was” away from her. Surprisingly, I got it away from her without getting bit. Not even a meow. Upon further inspection, I found out why there was no fuss from Raja. It wasn’t a dead anything. It was a wrapper from a Mounds bar I had eaten an hour ago!

Alas, this is what my days are like now. Trying to figure out what Raja’s next move is. Trying to stay one step ahead of a cat! My money is on the cat!

Randy

What I’m about to tell you will sound like a story out of “Chicken Soup For The Unemployed Morning Radio Show Guys Soul”, or one of those inspirational emails you get every other day. Rest assured there is no moral at the end of this story, it’s just something Debbie and I witnessed, that I wanted to share with you.

Last night, Debbie and I wanted to go out to eat and we both decided we wanted hamburgers, so we went to our favorite hamburger place. Normally, I’d tell you the restaurant we went to, but I thought it would be better if I didn’t say where we ate, out of respect of the peoples’ privacy I’m going to tell you about. After Debbie and I were seated, waiting for our dinner, a father and son sat down across from us. As they sat down, I noticed the father, an elderly gentleman, had no hands. My immediate reaction was to feel sorry for him. I thought about what his life must be like, having no hands. I also noticed that he didn’t have a prothesis of any kind, which led me to this question, how was this nice old man going to eat his hamburger? Not long after I asked myself that question, I got my answer.

I mentioned earlier that this old man was accompanied by his son. It was his son that fed him his hamburger. He would hold it up to his father’s mouth, he’d take a bite, then his son would eat some of his hamburger and be ready to feed his father again. As I watched this loving ritual, I stopped feeling sorry for this nice old man and felt happy for him instead. Here was a father, blessed to have a son that loved him enough to take his Dad out to enjoy a hamburger, despite his handicap. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is!

Randy

I’ve had an epiphony! My wife loves me! Now, I know she loves me, but I’ve come to realize that SHE REALLY LOVES ME! Let me explain.

The other morning I was getting ready to take a shower. I’ve gotten into the habit of listening to my ipod while I take a shower in the morning. Right now, as you can imagine,  I have a little more time on my hands in the mornings, which affords me that little musical luxury. I set my ipod to shuffle and it plays all my songs randomly. I just finished listening to a song from the show Glee and the next song that played was Oklahoma, from the movie Oklahoma and I start singing along  with my ipod. In fact, I think at one point, my toothbrush was my microphone! As I was singing the second verse of Oklahoma, soft bristle toothbrush in hand, I glanced over to my right and Debbie was standing there, smiling.

Now, you would think the sight of me singing the song Oklahoma naked, using a toothbrush for a microphone, would send most women running in the opposite direction while trying to keep what was left of their breakfast down. Not my wife Debbie! She just looked at me, smiled and said, “I sure love you”. Debbie brings out the best in me, well except for the singing part. She makes me a better man and I couldn’t imagine my life without her! I love her very much!

As I think back on all this, there are two things I’ve discovered. First, God must love me to put Debbie in my life and second, it’s a safe bet nobody will ever steal my ipod.

Randy

I SAW SANTA CLAUS!!! I’ve seen him five times since November started! I have to be honest, it wasn’t the real Santa Claus, but five different Santa look-alikes. Has anyone ever noticed that every year, starting early in November, you start to see Santa look-alikes walking around town? These guys have the long white beard, the hair, everything. The only thing missing is the red suit. It’s like Santa in street clothes.  I never see them at any other time of the year except, in November and December.

Where do they go the rest of the year? If they are out and around, how do they hide their beards so well? It’s not like they could tuck their beards under their shirts or french braid them to blend in with everyone. They can’t go into hiding ten months out of the year.  Do they have meetings like those red hat ladies do in restaurants? You know the ladies I’m talking about. The one’s that wear great big red hats and carry a red magic wand. They usually get together in the banquet rooms of restaurants in groups of about 20 or more. (Not to change the subject, but what in the world do they talk about in their meetings and what is that magic wand all about)?

I wish I could see these Santas more often than just two months out of the year. Even in May or June, it’s a wonderful reminder of my favorite time of year. When I see them, I feel like I should be on my best behavior. Deep down, I still believe in Santa Claus. I think that’s a part of my childhood that will never go away, no matter what.

Randy

I’ve always thought of myself as a good-looking guy. I’m no George Clooney or Brad Pitt, but Debbie thinks I’m handsome and that’s what’s important. That said, I’ve come to a realization that may sound strange, but I believe it’s absolutely true. “I look better as a cartoon than I do in real life”.

Debbie was on the computer the other night and found a website that allows you to make a cartoon version of yourself. She did one of herself first and it turned out really well. Then she did one of me. Now I don’t consider myself a photogenic guy at all.  I’m rarely if ever pleased with any picture that has been taken of me and believe me I’ve got the pictures to prove it. Perhaps you might remember a certain calendar Jeff and Jerry had done, with me in a speedo on the front cover. That picture of me in a speedo was taken over 15 years ago and it still haunts me. I definitely could have used a little animation then. This cartoon version of me turned out better than any picture of me ever taken! It turned out so well, I want the DMV to use this picture of me for my driver’s license photo!

Let’s face it, as a cartoon, I’ve got it goin’ on like Grey Poupon! That Debbie is a lucky girl! Yeah right, if Debbie ever sees me in a speedo again, she might leave me for Buzz Lightyear!

Randy

Have I done something wrong? I don’t think I have, but some people might think I have. Ok, I’m just going to say it. I’ve already started watching Christmas shows on TV! I’ve even started playing Christmas songs on my ipod!  Ok, I know what you’re thinking. It’s too early. You should wait at least another month, maybe even longer. At least hear me out and please let me know what you think.

Yesterday I was sitting in the living room, waiting for Debbie to come home from work. I was channel surfing and noticed that the movie Fred Claus was on and I watched the whole movie. I liked it. I don’t feel really comfortable telling you this, but during the part when Fred Claus was driving Santa’s sleigh through Santa’s village,  I got a little teary eyed. I couldn’t help it! The sight of Santa’s brother Fred, driving Santa’s sleigh for Santa because Santa hurt his back, knowing all those kids were going to get their presents for Christmas this year, it just got to me.

Truth be known, I’ve already watched three Christmas shows, since September. I have a rule about watching Christmas shows. I think it’s cool to watch them if you’re watching them in a month that ends in “ber”. December ends in “ber”, therefore any month that ends in “ber” is a Christmas season month. You don’t have to jump right into watching Christmas shows.  Maybe in September, you can start with just one Christmas show. October, maybe two and so on. Work your way into it gradually. Even Hallmark has already started selling their Christmas decorations!  C’mon,  it’s not like I’m wearing my Darth Vader Christmas tie anywhere. That doesn’t start until the day after Halloween.

Randy