Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven’t checked in for awhile.  I’ve been too busy.  No, that’s a lie.  I haven’t been too busy.    I just feel bad about not writing about work, when we’re going to start and all that.  I wish I could tell you.  It kills me.  Anyway, maybe that’s why I’ve been having such jacked up dreams lately.  There’s one dream in particular that I keep having.  I’m in college and it’s finals week.  I always forget about my math class.  I realize too late that I’ve forgotten to attend the math class for weeks!  Then, I can’t find the dang classroom.  It’s so stressful.  I looked this dream up on my favorite dream analysis website to find out what it means.  It’s not good.  To dream that you forget to attend a class you signed up for, indicates your anxieties and fear of failing. You may also be lacking self-confidence in your ability to handle new responsibilities or projects.

I also had a dream that I couldn’t find my car in a giant multi-level parking lot.  This is after the guy I came with kissed another woman and then decided to get back together with his ex-wife.  WTH is that all about?  Here’s what the car thing means, according to the website: To dream that you cannot find where you parked your car, suggests that you do not know where you want to go in life.  Oh joy.  Dream website

Just last Thursday, as I was sitting in my car (Tommy’s car) waiting for Evan to finish her t-ball practice, a friend came up to my window to say hi.  I took off my sunglasses and he says “Whoa, you look worn out.” What?  I did yoga that day AND I took a nap.  I should’ve looked perfectly peaceful.   That same afternoon, I was sitting on the bleachers waiting for Charlie’s baseball practice to finish when a friend says to me “Laura, I think you’re depressed.”  Am I missing something here?  I know I don’t look all that great without make-up on, but c’mon!  It’s not that bad.  Now I have anxiety that I may be depressed.  But, you know what, I know what depressed feels like and this ain’t it.

On that note, here’s a beautiful picture from the Carlsbad Flower Fields.

I went with Evan’s class on Friday.  Her favorite part of the field trip was holding the worm.    I wouldn’t mind holding a worm one of these days soon.

This weekend, Charlie, Chip and Evan made tye-dye t-shirts.  They had an absolute blast.  I almost had a nervous breakdown.  At one point, the ink was cascading over the tarped table onto the kitchen floor like a waterfall.  Whew.  Luckily it all cleaned up.  My hands are still a bit blue, but look at how cool they turned out!

You can buy the kits at Michaels, along with the shirts!   Fun rainy day project IF you have an area you can mess up.

I have a question for you.  Do you remember what was on your fridge when you were growing up?  For the life of me, I can’t remember what my mom had stuck up on our fridge.  What kind of pictures, drawing, notes, magnets did we have up there? I remember Stacey’s fridge, especially the collection of “Freakies” magnets she got from the cereal boxes.    Here’s what mine looks like now:

What does your fridge say about you?

Oh my gosh, I think I’m really losing it now.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’m going to keep this first part short and sweet.  Yes we are coming back on the air.  Yes we have signed up with a radio mucky muck to start doing a national weekend show.  Is there more to this?  Yes.  Can I talk about it.  No.   (I’m really friggin’ excited, though!)   Okay, so that’s out of the way.

Now, on to my day to day stuff.    Prince Charming hasn’t coming riding up to my house on a shiny white horse yet, so there’s that.  I have been matched up with some doozies on eHarmony.  Some of the more notable ones:  Boo, On and Mr Speedy from Sandy Ago.  I’m not even kidding about the last one.  Oh, I also got quite the picture from some 57 year old guy in Palm Desert who’s apparently my match.    It’s him in all his leathery, white haired glory posing in a speedo.  Seriously, WTH?  It’s amusing to say the least.  Tracy said something profound the other day when we were hiking up Cowles  Mountain at 8:30pm (full moon hike.)  She said that internet dating takes the serendipity out of meeting that special someone.  That’s totally it.  That’s why this isn’t working for me. I’m all about the serendipity of life!  I can’t wait for that love-at-first-sight-oh-my-gosh-you-found-my-missing-locket type of meeting.    My vision on this may be unrealistic, but at least I’m not jaded…yet.

Last night, on my way to my Monday night meeting, I stopped at 7-11 for some water and Excedrin.  This is the same 7-11 I used to frequent B.R. (before rehab.)  I used to escape from the stresses of my life by going to this particular 7-11 and getting the following items:  cup of ice, Red Bull, two tiny vodka bottles (if I felt like treating myself to a little extra, I’d get the Grey Goose little bottles), pack of Marlboro Lights and a crossword scratcher.  I’d then drive to a parking lot somewhere close , mix my drink, smoke the cigs and do my little crossword.     I’d often do this on a Sunday afternoon.  So sad, so stupid and so irresponsible.  I know that now and I knew it then.  I was just too far gone to care.  Anyway, there I was yesterday at that same counter, staring at those same vodka bottles thinking about how it used to be.  I quickly got out of there and drove to my meeting.  I probably won’t go to that 7-11 anymore.

One more thing, I want to know if you do this when shopping for shoes.  I do it and Pam does it.  I’m pretty sure you do it, too.    Do you ever seen a really cute pair of shoes, pick them up, admire them and immediately put them down when you see the “Jessica Simpson” label staring back at you.  Your reaction may be like ours “Oh, Jessica Simpson, really?  They’re cute, but…..”    I’m not saying it’s right, I’m just saying that’s how it is.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

What is wrong with this picture:  I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of a convertible Mercedes filling out my bi-monthly unemployment claim.  Those two things just don’t go together, but in my current world, they do.  Let me explain:

A month ago I had to return my leased car to the dealership.  Surprisingly, car dealerships aren’t too quick to lease a car to someone who doesn’t have a job, not to mention good credit.  So, there I am stuck at the dealership twiddling my thumbs (actually having a minor panic attack) when I call my go-to guy, Tommy.

Me: Hi, I need your help.  I don’t have a car and I’m stuck in Escondido.

Tommy:  Do you need me to pick you up?

Me: Yes, and do you have a car I can borrow?

Tommy:  Why don’t you use the Mercedes that’s been sitting in my driveway for the last few months.

Me: Holy Sh#* Balls, are you kidding me?

Tommy: No, just be nice to it.

Me:  Consider it my third child.

Thanks so my  BFF (my male one, Stacey is my girl BFF) I’m driving the hottest car I’ve ever driven.   Once again, Tommy saves my butt.  Seriously, what the heck would I do without him?  I’m sure a lot of people say that about Tommy.  When I pulled up to school to pick up the kids for the first time, Charlie said “WHOA!  Oh Momma, we’re going to have some good memories in this car!”  I told him that the memories we do have will be brief because it’s just a temporary ride.  Can I even tell you how cool I feel in that thing?  Her name is Andie, by the way, just in case you’re curious.   If  I’m taking the “one day at a time” approach to life,  which I am, I’m all good.  I have a car and a roof over my head.  I have my kids and food in the fridge.  I’m not going to worry about tomorrow.  I’ll do that tomorrow.

On another note, Evan Elisabeth is being punished this week.    On Friday morning she was complaining about the shorts she is required to wear under her school uniform.  I told her rules are rules, deal with it.  She seemed to be fine in the car.  When we got to school she was sweet as pie.  I kissed her good-bye and got back into my car.  When I got home, I looked in the backseat and found a pair of blue shorts stuffed underneath the seat.  That little stinker took off her shorts on the sly.  Her father and I agreed that the punishment should be NO skirts for one week.  I had no idea how hard that was going to be to enforce.    When I told her what was going on, she stormed into her room and hid under the covers.  You woulda thought I pulled the heads off of all her dolls.  She was crying ” How am I going to be beautiful if I can’t wear skirts?!?”  Drama.

On Thursday, I’m driving up to Anaheim to see a girl I was in rehab with.  She and I went through 28 days at Hazelden together.  It was brutal, but we made it.  She and I became fast friends and both of us are still “doing the deal” as they say.    She and her daughter are visiting Disneyland for the very first time.  Can’t wait to see her.   She’s a pen freak.  Yep, she’s obsessed with pens.  I should buy her a San Diego pen, huh?

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

So, as you may or may not know, I joined eHarmony about five months ago at the urging of my best friend, Stacey.  She felt that I needed to “get out there and date.”  So far, I haven’t made it to the email stage with any of my matches.  It’s partly because I become uninterested after something they write in their “Likes and Dislikes” section or maybe how they answer one of the pre-selected questions.  There’s one dude who requested communication with me recently and he’s kind of cute so I answered his questions.     I then had to send him my five questions (again, five out of 50 or so pre-written ones).  It goes back and forth like that until the  ”Must Haves and Can’t Stands”  part of it.  One of his “Can’t Stands” is “Laziness” defined as “someone who would rather sit on the couch and watch TV  than enjoy being active outdoors.  Someone who sleeps a lot.”   Those are pretty much two of my favorite things to do in life!  This guy is going to hate me if he ever meets me in “real life.”

Anyway, then comes the deeper, more probing question section.  There are only three of these and you write out your answer instead of check A, B, C or D.  Here is the first question he sent me:  ”List 10 random things about you.”  This is how I answered it:

*I love Radiohead

*I eat the same thing for lunch almost everyday (Brown rice, cottage cheese and salsa)

*I won a trip to Nice, France on the Price is Right a long time ago.

*I’ve worked with the same group of people for the last 18 years (didn’t mention that I’m currently not working, but that’s okay, right?)

*I’m a wannabe hip-hop dancer

*My biggest fear is puking

*I was born in Hollywood, CA

*I don’t like strawberries

*I’m a friend of Bill W (my sober brothers and sister know what I’m talking about! Can I get a what-what?)

*I’m ambidextrous (sort of)

Is there a chance in hell this guy will pursue me after this? I’m not kidding when I tell you that I put a lot of thought into these and weeded out the weirder ones.  He’s going to think I’m a complete nut-job!   I should’ve answered it like this:

*I work out twice a day

*I don’t eat anything white

*I ride my bike to work

*I fall asleep to NPR every night

*I had added a library onto my house.

*I speak Cantonese and Ket  (look it up)

*I’m a full-fledged nymphomaniac

*I’m a gourmet cook and a masseuse

Blah, blah, blah.  Yuck.  I’m obviously not ready to “get out there and date,” Stace, but I’m trying.

On another note, this morning was complete heaven compared to yesterday.  Evan was a dream child.  She was perfect.  We even got so school five minutes early.  Being a parent isn’t that hard.  I don’t know what I was all worked up about.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I feel like I’ve just been through battle.  I’m exhausted and it’s all due to a feisty five year old.  I’ve heard of the terrible twos and threes, but I’ve got my hands full with a fierce five year old and it’s kicking my butt.

This morning started off fine.  Evan got up when I turned on her light, she ate all of her breakfast, then she decided to make a little bed on the floor of her room and watch a little TV.   Nope.  I went in there and turned if off nicely and told her to get excited because it’s St Patty’s Day and she has free dress (meaning she doesn’t have to wear her uniform).  That’s where the trouble started.  She refused to wear a pair of shorts under her green skirt, so I told her she had to wear leggings under it.  She chose polka-dot ones.  Fine.  She complained that it was too messy around her waist and that it was not looking right.  I checked her waistline and it was fine.    She then looked me in the eye and boldly stated that she was going to take off her leggings at school.  I told her “I’m sure your teacher will have something to say about that.”

By this point, it’s crunch time, gotta hustle to get us out the door on time.   That’s when she refuses to come out of my room because her hair is “crumbly.”  Yes, MY room because she does her hair in there?!?!   I said “It’s wavy because you wouldn’t let me blow it dry last night.”  She then demanded to have her bangs put in a clip, which I did after insisting that she say “Please” first, which she did with a tinge of brattiness.  Meanwhile, Charlie is still in his underpants and socks zoning out to his new Pokemon DSi game.

“CHARLIE!  What the heck?!? Get dressed right now!!!”    He asked me to find him a green t-shirt.   “Thanks for asking me five minutes before we leave.”  Couldn’t find one.  Then he asked me to find one of my white t-shirts and draw a green shamrock on it.  Oh, okay, sure.  I’ll get right on that.  All of them were too “girly” anyway.   I told him to wear his fatigue shorts and I’d draw a shamrock on his knee or something.  He ended up finding a green hat in his closet, thank God.

Meanwhile, Evan is now stomping around like a brat, hating her hair.  She gets a hairband out of her room and walks out the door crying.  All the way to school she cried.  All.the.way.to.school.

“Evan, why are you crying?  I bet you don’t do this when you’re with your dad, do you?”

Charlie, “No, she only does it with you.”

Great.

We get to school and she won’t get out of the car because she’s cold and her scarf is not straight.   Right about at this point I feel the hair on the back of my neck start to rise up.

“Get out of the car right now or I will drag you out.”

That worked.

The minute she stepped onto the school playground, she was perfectly pleasant.  It was almost scary how quickly she shifted personalities.  Is this normal for a little girl or do I have a demon in the making?  Geez.   “Come into the classroom and look at the flowers were making, Momma.”  She said in the sweetest little voice ever.  I left her classroom in a daze.

Yesterday, I had two meetings; a breakfast one and a lunch one where I ordered two full-on meals.  For dinner, I made Cheeseburger Hamburger Helper.  Today I feel like my arms and legs are sodium sausages.  I’m bloated,  full of angst and my face is breaking out.

Calgon…take me away!

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

So much to tell you, let me get right to the heat of the paint (as Jerry would say):  Tonight I got my 3 year token.  I was so nervous getting up there in front of the group to accept it, I almost went to the bathroom in my pants.  Maybe it’s the crazy strong coffee they serve at that meeting ( I have a feeling I’ll be up late tonight!)  Anyway, I wanted to share how being sober, while not always easy, is the only way to live life to the fullest.  I wanted to share that I have never been so broke, so unsure about the future, so single than I am right now, but I feel richer and more fulfilled than I ever have in my entire life.  How can this be?  It’s gotta be sobriety and all the things that come along with it.    I had to tell them about how Charlie made me a birthday cake again this year.  This is the third year in a row he’s done this.  The first one collapsed into a pile of crumbs because he put a cup of oil in it and a third of a cup of water.  I ate it,  though.  This is what my cake looked like this year:

My former sponsor, Krista, gave me my token.    I love her so much.  She makes me laugh.   I’ve got to be the world’s worst sponsee because I procrastinate so much.  I’m so glad we can just be friends now.  She helped me through so much.  I don’t know if she realizes how important she was and still is in my life.  She’s the one who invited me to the Monday night meeting two and a half years ago. She’s helped me through divorce and custody issues, which almost ripped me apart.   She also helped me move out of the house I once shared with my family.  That was so friggin’ hard on many levels.  She was there cheering me up and helping me get it done.    Tonight, she told me that she wanted to pass on her three token, but then realized after she got to the meeting that it was her 4 year token and that it had her name engraved on it!!!    She gave me a stone from her fountain and drew on it.    The writing rubbed off after it was passed around the room, so she whipped out her Sharpie and did it again.    She just brings so much joy into my life.    Here’s the token from the group and her homemade rock and a picture of us from the Rock N Roll Marathon:

My best friend from high school, Aaron, sent me this insanely beautiful flower arrangement to mark the occasion.  Here’s Aaron and I two years ago when he was in town:

I was a little aggro on Saturday night because I didn’t get to go to the Oscars after all.   Charlie asked me what was wrong.  I told him that I was sad that I wasn’t going to the Academy Awards with Tommy.  He said “Momma, would you rather go to the show or spend the weekend with your kids?”  I said “Spend the weekend with my kids.”  He said “Exactly.”   Totally put it into perspective for me. On Sunday, I was waving the green flag big time whenever I’d see a text from Tommy.  I told him I was too jealous to look at the pictures of him with Ryan Seacrest and the one of him getting ready in his hotel room and the one of him holding an Oscar.   But, you know what?  He deserved to go!  He deserves anything in life he desires.  He’s a better person than I will ever be.  He really truly is.   If I could be one tenth the kind of selfless person that he is, I’d be happy.  I also want to thank my Facebook friends who offered to lend me a dress.  I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Opening Day for baseball and t-ball was on Saturday morning.    I’ve never seen anything cuter than Evan’s team.  I kept taking pictures of her in her uniform from behind because it was the sweetest thing ever.  She was so into it.  She’s in her element in front of a crowd.  Oh boy.  She was even trash talking the other t-ball teams “You’re going down!”

Two more things:  I want to thank the person who sent this card to Dave’s Flower Box on Valentine’s weekend.  You have no idea how much you touch me and my kids with your thoughtfulness.  Thank you for being an example of the good in people.  Truly.

And second, I have t to tell you that I kissed a boy within the last two weeks.  It was a rainy  Saturday night.  We were in the car.  It was just a kiss, but it brought back so many memories.   He’s one of the first boys I ever kissed!  He’s still really good at it.  He’s an old friend from high school (NOT Aaron).  I haven’t seen him since our reunion.  He’s someone who should’ve been my boyfriend in high school, but wasn’t.  I asked him why he thought that was.  He said it was because he was stupid, was with another girl, but he wishes he could do it over again.  That’s the second guy from high school who’s told me that in the last few months.  I must have forgotten that they broke my teenage heart.    That gives me hope that I’ll forget the current guys who break my MUCH older heart.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

The coolest thing happened to me tonight.  I was sitting there, minding my own business at my Monday night meeting, when the woman sharing mentioned my name.  She said that she was able to overcome her fear of telling people that she was an alcoholic because of me.  She said, “If Laura could admit it in such a public forum, then it was okay for me to tell people.”   I was so flattered and so emotional.   I started to tear up and wring my hands (I do that when I get nervous).  What an awesome thing for her to say.  I’ll never forget that.   I’ve officially started working with a new sponsor.  Krista and I have become too good of friends.  We never get anything done, mostly because I’m a flake.  It’s not for lack of her trying to motivate me to do my steps.  We are just too much alike.  My new one is like a drill sergeant.  She’s only 26, but she works one of the most solid programs I have ever seen.    We’re going to meet later this week so I can start my steps all over again.  I’ve done the first three steps three separate times already.  I just keep getting stuck on the 4th one.  I’m pretty sure she’ll kick my butt into high gear.     In one week and six days I’ll be celebrating 3 years of sobriety!  This birthday is way more fun than my real one.

After my fulfilling meeting, I made it to an 8:30 Core Yoga class.  It’s obvious that I haven’t worked out in a week.   I was out of breath and I felt kinda woozy (as my dear Grandma would often say after a Hot Toddy.)      This day was all about rest, relaxation and a mind and body work-out.  I’ve been with Charlie and Evan since Tuesday 24/7.  They had last week off for “winter break.”    I know, right, WTH, winter break?  Anyway, we spent all day and all night together.    I don’t really remember Tuesday and Wednesday, but Thursday we went to Balboa Park for a picnic lunch.  I forgot how much I love that place.  Charlie was obsessed with finding the puppet theater gift shop.     We made it there just before they closed it down for the day.   Now, I don’t have an extra money to throw around, but when it comes to my kids I have a hard time not buying them little things.   They both wanted marionettes.  Evan only wanted one because Charlie wanted one.   They were way cheaper than I thought they’d be.  Here’s a tip for all you parent out there: Do not buy your children a marionette if you have a patience problem.  You have no idea how many times I untangle those friggin’ strings.  Oh my gosh, I just about lost it after about the 20th time.    Plus, Charlie’s puppet freaks me out.  I’m pretty sure it watches me sleep at night.

On Friday, Charlie was sick.  Friday night into Saturday, Evan was sick.  Saturday night they were both feeling better so we drove to Grandma Mary’s house.    On Sunday we went to Faith’s birthday party.  Before we left, I  curled Evan’s hair.  She ran into Grandma’s room and I heard her say “Oh Grandma, come out of the bathroom and see me.  I’m something that starts with a ‘K’…’cute!”  Funny.

On the way home from Rancho Cucamonga, we played a game called “I’ve never told anyone this, but…”  Charlie said he never told anyone that he really likes to go number two.  Mine was that when I was little, I’d go to the bathroom in the bushes because I liked to pretend that I was in a tribe in the jungle.  Evan said, “I never told anyone this, but I love parades.”  Charlie yelled “That’s a terrible one.”  I told her that it was great.  Her other ones were “I love butterflies, I love to draw hearts and I  love trees.”  Charlie was furious.  I just laughed.

Here are some of Charlie’s Balboa Park pictures:

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I would like to make and announcement:

I’m loving the men of San Diego this week.  ALL of them!  Big, small, old, young, all colors, all religions.   Let me explain myself:

This week I’ve been helping out  my friend Arnie at Dave’s Flower Box on El Cajon Blvd.  This being Valentine’s week, the place is slammed, so he needed some extra hands.   From what I’ve seen so far, Ladies, your husbands and boyfriends are so sweet.  Oh my gosh, do they ever love you.   You should see their faces when they pick out the perfect arrangement for you, whether it be a dozen long-stem red roses or a bunch of sunflowers with a card.    The men I’ve helped so far are so excited to give you something beautiful to show their love for you. I’m jealous, but very encouraged that there are some great guys out there.

I’m having a lot of fun hanging out a flower shop.  I used to work at Glendale Florist in high school.  I still remember all the names of the flowers AND how to wrap them up  all pretty and stuff.   And, the smell is awesome!  What I’m not used to is standing for long periods at a time.  My lower back is killing me!  Anyway, come by on Saturday and Sunday because I’ll be helping him out again on those days!!!

As far as my regular job goes,  I’m about to jump out of my skin with excitement and anticipation.  I wish I could tell you everything that’s happening, but just trust me when I say it’ll be worth the wait.  That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.  I’d say more, but I don’t want to jinx it.

I want to thank everyone for the support and advice regarding my financial situation.  I’m blown away by the goodness of people.  Wow.  I contacted my landlord, explained my situation and she’s going to work with me.  Perfect.  So happy about that.

At this moment, Evan is parading back and forth between her room and the living room dressed in “new” clothes.  Gina gave us a bag full of her daughter’s old stuff and Evan is in heaven.  It’s not old either.  The clothes, shoes and jackets are in perfect shape.  Some even have the tags on them!   The problem with my sweet, but enthusiastic daughter is that she is wearing almost everything in the bag all at once.  She has a dress over two t-shirts, a sweater over that, covered by a sweater poncho, topped off with a jacket.  She has three headbands on, two pairs of socks and some black sequins shoes that are a little too big.  She wants to wear that exact outfit to school tomorrow.  You know what?  I’m going to let her.  I don’t have the energy to talk her out of that  fashion “don’t.”    Charlie will wearing a fuzzy pimp hat, fringe jacket and wide collared shirt with a gold medallion.  I’m going to draw mutton chops on his face, too, because his class is having a 70’s party.    Gotta make out the Valentine’s cards and tape the “Nerds” to the cards before we go to bed.    Wouldn’t want my kids to be “thoses” kids who “only” give out  plain paper Valentine’s cards without something edible. Sheesh.

My house looks like squatters are living here.  It was clean yesterday before the kids came home.   Now, it’s a nightmare.  Evan has moved every single stuffed animal out into the “dance” room.  When I woke up this morning, she was sleeping out there surrounded by them.

I need to order my kids around now.  I hear wrappers crinkling in the kitchen.  That’s not the sound I want to hear before dinner.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’m gonna vent real quick just to get it off my chest, then I’ll be able to write.  It’s hard for me to be open and honest when I have something hanging over my head.  It feels fake.  I don’t want pity, I don’t want anything other than a pep talk about keeping the faith, okay?

I am freaking out right now.  I have never ever in my life been this broke.  I haven’t paid my rent this month because I don’t have it all.  I’m afraid if I write that check I won’t have any money left for food or anything else.  I mail the check to my landlord.  I was thinking about lying and saying it got lost in the mail, but I’m not going to do that.   I’ll have to be honest and pay it when I get my next unemployment check.  I’ll have to tack on an extra 50 bucks, but it’ll be worth it for the extra time they “gave” me to pay it.

I have two important sounding letters waiting for me at the post office.  I’m scared to pick those up because they probably have something to do with me owing money to someone or something.  Thank goodness I don’t have any credit card debt.  Whew.  I have plenty of other things I have to pay off, but credit is not one of them.  That’s a blessing.

I can’t answer another “what’s going on with your job?” question.  I’m flattered and glad that people still care, but I don’t have a definite answer yet and it’s hard to know what to say.   Tommy wrote us an really awesome email basically telling us that the last lap in any race is the most difficult and we just need to breathe.  It’s true.  This hurts right now, so something incredible is about to happen.  I just wish it would happen today.

Side note:  As I’m typing this, Evan comes galloping in with a unicorn hat on her head, fairy wings and a doll on her shoulders.   She’s dancing to Frosty The Snowman (my mom gave her one of those funky Christmas dolls that sings when you walk past it.)   The kids think it’s so hilarious that the song “Frosty the Snowman” makes me cry.  It’s the saddest song because he melts away and DIES and he tells the kids not to cry.    Charlie has commandeered my bed because I have channel 349 on my TV and he doesn’t.  That’s the super exclusive Nickelodeon Channel apparently.  He actually asked me for a cable upgrade in his room.  I must have given him the “Are you flippin’ serious, kid?” look because he shrugged his shoulders and hasn’t asked me again.

Tomorrow, two of Charlie’s friends are coming over.  Since we have next to no backyard, I let the kids take over the dance room (dining room minus the table.)  My house is not going to be pretty by this time tomorrow, but I love his friends.  They’re all such good boys.

Next week will be a great week.  Imagine it and it will be.  Ask and the law of attraction will bring it.  Isn’t that what The Secret is all about.  Something like that.  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, one really cool thing happened.  Fox 5 has asked us back to do some Idol commentary for the next few weeks.  You can watch my roots grow out as the weeks progress.  Fun!

Here’s my little unicorn:

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’ve always loved February 1st because it’s my dad’s birthday.  He would’ve been 72 years old today.  Wow.  Can’t believe it’s been almost 12 years since we lost him.  I do believe that good things are going to happen this month because good things always seem to happen right around his birthday.  This whole weekend I’ve been finding pennies in the most random of places.  Did you know that your loved ones who’ve gone to heaven drop pennies  to say “hi” to you?  Well, Evan, Charlie and I are convinced that’s what Grandpa Dave does.  Today, I found one in a spoon in a bowl that was soaking in the sink.  I also found one on the doorstep.  Everytime Evan finds one she looks up and says “Hi grandpa, I’m right here!

You know what else is pretty random that happened this week?  Dave’s been cleaning out our old storage unit and he brought over two boxes full of my stuff.  One of the boxes is a huge bin stuffed full of letter and cards ya’ll sent to me when my dad passed away in ‘98.  I kept every single one, and there are hundreds and hundreds.  They are sitting on my floor in front of me right now.  They make

me feel very comfortable and loved, not to mention blessed that I had such a cool, funny, smart handsome dad.

I’m writing this kinda late tonight, but I wanted to make sure that I wrote about my dad’s birthday before I doze off .  I love him so much.  Oh gosh, here come the tears.  I can’t believe I still miss him this much.  I usually don’t let myself think this deeply about it because that’s what always happens.  It’s a good cry though.  I just wish he could’ve met my babies.  In a strange way, I think Charlie has met him.  I know, I’m starting to sound like my mom, but I do believe that my dad helped my boy through his surgeries.  He was there.    Okay, it’s official, gotta go on a little crying binge.  Love you, Daddy.  You were the best dad any kid could ever want.  You made me who I am  and I miss you so much.

See you later, Diary.

Dad and me when I was eleven.