Dear Diary,

So much to tell you, let me get right to the heat of the paint (as Jerry would say):  Tonight I got my 3 year token.  I was so nervous getting up there in front of the group to accept it, I almost went to the bathroom in my pants.  Maybe it’s the crazy strong coffee they serve at that meeting ( I have a feeling I’ll be up late tonight!)  Anyway, I wanted to share how being sober, while not always easy, is the only way to live life to the fullest.  I wanted to share that I have never been so broke, so unsure about the future, so single than I am right now, but I feel richer and more fulfilled than I ever have in my entire life.  How can this be?  It’s gotta be sobriety and all the things that come along with it.    I had to tell them about how Charlie made me a birthday cake again this year.  This is the third year in a row he’s done this.  The first one collapsed into a pile of crumbs because he put a cup of oil in it and a third of a cup of water.  I ate it,  though.  This is what my cake looked like this year:

My former sponsor, Krista, gave me my token.    I love her so much.  She makes me laugh.   I’ve got to be the world’s worst sponsee because I procrastinate so much.  I’m so glad we can just be friends now.  She helped me through so much.  I don’t know if she realizes how important she was and still is in my life.  She’s the one who invited me to the Monday night meeting two and a half years ago. She’s helped me through divorce and custody issues, which almost ripped me apart.   She also helped me move out of the house I once shared with my family.  That was so friggin’ hard on many levels.  She was there cheering me up and helping me get it done.    Tonight, she told me that she wanted to pass on her three token, but then realized after she got to the meeting that it was her 4 year token and that it had her name engraved on it!!!    She gave me a stone from her fountain and drew on it.    The writing rubbed off after it was passed around the room, so she whipped out her Sharpie and did it again.    She just brings so much joy into my life.    Here’s the token from the group and her homemade rock and a picture of us from the Rock N Roll Marathon:

My best friend from high school, Aaron, sent me this insanely beautiful flower arrangement to mark the occasion.  Here’s Aaron and I two years ago when he was in town:

I was a little aggro on Saturday night because I didn’t get to go to the Oscars after all.   Charlie asked me what was wrong.  I told him that I was sad that I wasn’t going to the Academy Awards with Tommy.  He said “Momma, would you rather go to the show or spend the weekend with your kids?”  I said “Spend the weekend with my kids.”  He said “Exactly.”   Totally put it into perspective for me. On Sunday, I was waving the green flag big time whenever I’d see a text from Tommy.  I told him I was too jealous to look at the pictures of him with Ryan Seacrest and the one of him getting ready in his hotel room and the one of him holding an Oscar.   But, you know what?  He deserved to go!  He deserves anything in life he desires.  He’s a better person than I will ever be.  He really truly is.   If I could be one tenth the kind of selfless person that he is, I’d be happy.  I also want to thank my Facebook friends who offered to lend me a dress.  I really appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Opening Day for baseball and t-ball was on Saturday morning.    I’ve never seen anything cuter than Evan’s team.  I kept taking pictures of her in her uniform from behind because it was the sweetest thing ever.  She was so into it.  She’s in her element in front of a crowd.  Oh boy.  She was even trash talking the other t-ball teams “You’re going down!”

Two more things:  I want to thank the person who sent this card to Dave’s Flower Box on Valentine’s weekend.  You have no idea how much you touch me and my kids with your thoughtfulness.  Thank you for being an example of the good in people.  Truly.

And second, I have t to tell you that I kissed a boy within the last two weeks.  It was a rainy  Saturday night.  We were in the car.  It was just a kiss, but it brought back so many memories.   He’s one of the first boys I ever kissed!  He’s still really good at it.  He’s an old friend from high school (NOT Aaron).  I haven’t seen him since our reunion.  He’s someone who should’ve been my boyfriend in high school, but wasn’t.  I asked him why he thought that was.  He said it was because he was stupid, was with another girl, but he wishes he could do it over again.  That’s the second guy from high school who’s told me that in the last few months.  I must have forgotten that they broke my teenage heart.    That gives me hope that I’ll forget the current guys who break my MUCH older heart.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

The coolest thing happened to me tonight.  I was sitting there, minding my own business at my Monday night meeting, when the woman sharing mentioned my name.  She said that she was able to overcome her fear of telling people that she was an alcoholic because of me.  She said, “If Laura could admit it in such a public forum, then it was okay for me to tell people.”   I was so flattered and so emotional.   I started to tear up and wring my hands (I do that when I get nervous).  What an awesome thing for her to say.  I’ll never forget that.   I’ve officially started working with a new sponsor.  Krista and I have become too good of friends.  We never get anything done, mostly because I’m a flake.  It’s not for lack of her trying to motivate me to do my steps.  We are just too much alike.  My new one is like a drill sergeant.  She’s only 26, but she works one of the most solid programs I have ever seen.    We’re going to meet later this week so I can start my steps all over again.  I’ve done the first three steps three separate times already.  I just keep getting stuck on the 4th one.  I’m pretty sure she’ll kick my butt into high gear.     In one week and six days I’ll be celebrating 3 years of sobriety!  This birthday is way more fun than my real one.

After my fulfilling meeting, I made it to an 8:30 Core Yoga class.  It’s obvious that I haven’t worked out in a week.   I was out of breath and I felt kinda woozy (as my dear Grandma would often say after a Hot Toddy.)      This day was all about rest, relaxation and a mind and body work-out.  I’ve been with Charlie and Evan since Tuesday 24/7.  They had last week off for “winter break.”    I know, right, WTH, winter break?  Anyway, we spent all day and all night together.    I don’t really remember Tuesday and Wednesday, but Thursday we went to Balboa Park for a picnic lunch.  I forgot how much I love that place.  Charlie was obsessed with finding the puppet theater gift shop.     We made it there just before they closed it down for the day.   Now, I don’t have an extra money to throw around, but when it comes to my kids I have a hard time not buying them little things.   They both wanted marionettes.  Evan only wanted one because Charlie wanted one.   They were way cheaper than I thought they’d be.  Here’s a tip for all you parent out there: Do not buy your children a marionette if you have a patience problem.  You have no idea how many times I untangle those friggin’ strings.  Oh my gosh, I just about lost it after about the 20th time.    Plus, Charlie’s puppet freaks me out.  I’m pretty sure it watches me sleep at night.

On Friday, Charlie was sick.  Friday night into Saturday, Evan was sick.  Saturday night they were both feeling better so we drove to Grandma Mary’s house.    On Sunday we went to Faith’s birthday party.  Before we left, I  curled Evan’s hair.  She ran into Grandma’s room and I heard her say “Oh Grandma, come out of the bathroom and see me.  I’m something that starts with a ‘K’…’cute!”  Funny.

On the way home from Rancho Cucamonga, we played a game called “I’ve never told anyone this, but…”  Charlie said he never told anyone that he really likes to go number two.  Mine was that when I was little, I’d go to the bathroom in the bushes because I liked to pretend that I was in a tribe in the jungle.  Evan said, “I never told anyone this, but I love parades.”  Charlie yelled “That’s a terrible one.”  I told her that it was great.  Her other ones were “I love butterflies, I love to draw hearts and I  love trees.”  Charlie was furious.  I just laughed.

Here are some of Charlie’s Balboa Park pictures:

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I would like to make and announcement:

I’m loving the men of San Diego this week.  ALL of them!  Big, small, old, young, all colors, all religions.   Let me explain myself:

This week I’ve been helping out  my friend Arnie at Dave’s Flower Box on El Cajon Blvd.  This being Valentine’s week, the place is slammed, so he needed some extra hands.   From what I’ve seen so far, Ladies, your husbands and boyfriends are so sweet.  Oh my gosh, do they ever love you.   You should see their faces when they pick out the perfect arrangement for you, whether it be a dozen long-stem red roses or a bunch of sunflowers with a card.    The men I’ve helped so far are so excited to give you something beautiful to show their love for you. I’m jealous, but very encouraged that there are some great guys out there.

I’m having a lot of fun hanging out a flower shop.  I used to work at Glendale Florist in high school.  I still remember all the names of the flowers AND how to wrap them up  all pretty and stuff.   And, the smell is awesome!  What I’m not used to is standing for long periods at a time.  My lower back is killing me!  Anyway, come by on Saturday and Sunday because I’ll be helping him out again on those days!!!

As far as my regular job goes,  I’m about to jump out of my skin with excitement and anticipation.  I wish I could tell you everything that’s happening, but just trust me when I say it’ll be worth the wait.  That’s what I’m telling myself anyway.  I’d say more, but I don’t want to jinx it.

I want to thank everyone for the support and advice regarding my financial situation.  I’m blown away by the goodness of people.  Wow.  I contacted my landlord, explained my situation and she’s going to work with me.  Perfect.  So happy about that.

At this moment, Evan is parading back and forth between her room and the living room dressed in “new” clothes.  Gina gave us a bag full of her daughter’s old stuff and Evan is in heaven.  It’s not old either.  The clothes, shoes and jackets are in perfect shape.  Some even have the tags on them!   The problem with my sweet, but enthusiastic daughter is that she is wearing almost everything in the bag all at once.  She has a dress over two t-shirts, a sweater over that, covered by a sweater poncho, topped off with a jacket.  She has three headbands on, two pairs of socks and some black sequins shoes that are a little too big.  She wants to wear that exact outfit to school tomorrow.  You know what?  I’m going to let her.  I don’t have the energy to talk her out of that  fashion “don’t.”    Charlie will wearing a fuzzy pimp hat, fringe jacket and wide collared shirt with a gold medallion.  I’m going to draw mutton chops on his face, too, because his class is having a 70’s party.    Gotta make out the Valentine’s cards and tape the “Nerds” to the cards before we go to bed.    Wouldn’t want my kids to be “thoses” kids who “only” give out  plain paper Valentine’s cards without something edible. Sheesh.

My house looks like squatters are living here.  It was clean yesterday before the kids came home.   Now, it’s a nightmare.  Evan has moved every single stuffed animal out into the “dance” room.  When I woke up this morning, she was sleeping out there surrounded by them.

I need to order my kids around now.  I hear wrappers crinkling in the kitchen.  That’s not the sound I want to hear before dinner.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’m gonna vent real quick just to get it off my chest, then I’ll be able to write.  It’s hard for me to be open and honest when I have something hanging over my head.  It feels fake.  I don’t want pity, I don’t want anything other than a pep talk about keeping the faith, okay?

I am freaking out right now.  I have never ever in my life been this broke.  I haven’t paid my rent this month because I don’t have it all.  I’m afraid if I write that check I won’t have any money left for food or anything else.  I mail the check to my landlord.  I was thinking about lying and saying it got lost in the mail, but I’m not going to do that.   I’ll have to be honest and pay it when I get my next unemployment check.  I’ll have to tack on an extra 50 bucks, but it’ll be worth it for the extra time they “gave” me to pay it.

I have two important sounding letters waiting for me at the post office.  I’m scared to pick those up because they probably have something to do with me owing money to someone or something.  Thank goodness I don’t have any credit card debt.  Whew.  I have plenty of other things I have to pay off, but credit is not one of them.  That’s a blessing.

I can’t answer another “what’s going on with your job?” question.  I’m flattered and glad that people still care, but I don’t have a definite answer yet and it’s hard to know what to say.   Tommy wrote us an really awesome email basically telling us that the last lap in any race is the most difficult and we just need to breathe.  It’s true.  This hurts right now, so something incredible is about to happen.  I just wish it would happen today.

Side note:  As I’m typing this, Evan comes galloping in with a unicorn hat on her head, fairy wings and a doll on her shoulders.   She’s dancing to Frosty The Snowman (my mom gave her one of those funky Christmas dolls that sings when you walk past it.)   The kids think it’s so hilarious that the song “Frosty the Snowman” makes me cry.  It’s the saddest song because he melts away and DIES and he tells the kids not to cry.    Charlie has commandeered my bed because I have channel 349 on my TV and he doesn’t.  That’s the super exclusive Nickelodeon Channel apparently.  He actually asked me for a cable upgrade in his room.  I must have given him the “Are you flippin’ serious, kid?” look because he shrugged his shoulders and hasn’t asked me again.

Tomorrow, two of Charlie’s friends are coming over.  Since we have next to no backyard, I let the kids take over the dance room (dining room minus the table.)  My house is not going to be pretty by this time tomorrow, but I love his friends.  They’re all such good boys.

Next week will be a great week.  Imagine it and it will be.  Ask and the law of attraction will bring it.  Isn’t that what The Secret is all about.  Something like that.  Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, one really cool thing happened.  Fox 5 has asked us back to do some Idol commentary for the next few weeks.  You can watch my roots grow out as the weeks progress.  Fun!

Here’s my little unicorn:

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’ve always loved February 1st because it’s my dad’s birthday.  He would’ve been 72 years old today.  Wow.  Can’t believe it’s been almost 12 years since we lost him.  I do believe that good things are going to happen this month because good things always seem to happen right around his birthday.  This whole weekend I’ve been finding pennies in the most random of places.  Did you know that your loved ones who’ve gone to heaven drop pennies  to say “hi” to you?  Well, Evan, Charlie and I are convinced that’s what Grandpa Dave does.  Today, I found one in a spoon in a bowl that was soaking in the sink.  I also found one on the doorstep.  Everytime Evan finds one she looks up and says “Hi grandpa, I’m right here!

You know what else is pretty random that happened this week?  Dave’s been cleaning out our old storage unit and he brought over two boxes full of my stuff.  One of the boxes is a huge bin stuffed full of letter and cards ya’ll sent to me when my dad passed away in ‘98.  I kept every single one, and there are hundreds and hundreds.  They are sitting on my floor in front of me right now.  They make

me feel very comfortable and loved, not to mention blessed that I had such a cool, funny, smart handsome dad.

I’m writing this kinda late tonight, but I wanted to make sure that I wrote about my dad’s birthday before I doze off .  I love him so much.  Oh gosh, here come the tears.  I can’t believe I still miss him this much.  I usually don’t let myself think this deeply about it because that’s what always happens.  It’s a good cry though.  I just wish he could’ve met my babies.  In a strange way, I think Charlie has met him.  I know, I’m starting to sound like my mom, but I do believe that my dad helped my boy through his surgeries.  He was there.    Okay, it’s official, gotta go on a little crying binge.  Love you, Daddy.  You were the best dad any kid could ever want.  You made me who I am  and I miss you so much.

See you later, Diary.

Dad and me when I was eleven.

Dear Diary,

I had the honor of presenting one of my AA friends her one year token last night.   When she asked me to do it, I just about burst into tears.  The one year token is the biggest deal, I think.   The thought of a whole year without a drink used to be absolutely unimaginable.   It’s such a milestone.  I dug up my one year token to give to her.  I didn’t have to dig very far because I only have two.  I’m getting number three in March.  It felt great to hand it to her and say a few words to the group.  This particular woman came into our meeting all by herself, not knowing anything about AA really.  She just knew she needed to stop drinking.  It’s been awesome to see her open up and change and grow.  She told me that about a year and a half ago, she wrote me a long email.  She says she was so drunk, she doesn’t even remember doing it.  She’s mortified because she included pictures of herself.    I wish I would’ve saved it just to show her where she was, but she’s thrilled I didn’t.  We laugh about it now.   She’s just so embarrassed that she sent pictures of herself with the email.  I think it’s cute, but I also get a kick out of how much she cringes when she talks about it.   She just happened to find the monday night meeting that I attend, by chance.  Now we’re friends.    We text each other during “Hoarders” and “Housewives” as we have the same sense of humor.  Stuff like this happens all the time in AA and in sobriety.  It’s a trip sometimes.

On Sunday night, Jerry and I had dinner at Cucina Urbana.  Super cool design and really good food.  I would’ve loved to have tried something with fish or meat, but I let Jerry order the good veggie stuff off the menu.

We had these little pasta balls (that’s what she said…I’m sorry) filled with ricotta cheese.  Look at this funky plate it was served on:

The lighting was very unique.   Straight chandeliers with utensils hanging off of them.  Loved the look:

The back wall was a fusion (love that word) of earthy tones mixed in with words.  Jerry says it looks like a clown threw-up on the wall.   I beg to differ:

You’re probably saying to yourself,  ”I don’t give a sh#* what the restaurant looked like, I wanna know what they talked about.”  Okay, here’s what I can tell you:  in a few weeks, maybe a little more, maybe a little less,  the deal should be done.  Once it is, we can move ahead like gangbusters to get things all ready to start up on the air again.  When I say there’s a lot that goes into to this whole thing, that is the understatement of the century.  There’s so much, but so much that’s so fun and exciting and unlike anything San Diego has ever seen or heard. It’s going to be worth the wait. Jerry says that as soon as the light turns green, he’ll let ya’ll know what’s up.  I just hope and pray I’ll get a visit from the money fairy cuz dang, baby need new shoes.  And this time I’m not joking..both of my babies do!

It’s Tuesday, music class day in Evan’s class.  I’m going to be teaching the little guys and girls about the percussion section of the orchestra.  Hopefully, this time when they close their eyes to listen to each instrument they won’t tell me it makes them feel like vampires are sneaking up to bite them.  That’s a big wish, though.  The little boys in her class are vampire freaks, apparently.   What stresses me out a little bit about teaching the class is the last 10 minutes or so.   The kids love “Busta Move Dance Party.”  That’s where I have them form a circle, I put on a kid friendly song and the kids take turns “bustin’ their signature move.”  It’s hilarious.  The teacher probably isn’t too thrilled OR the parents because the kids go home right after class all riled up!  I taught them the “robot” move last week.  What can I teach them this week…hmmmm….definitely not the boob flex I emulated on Fox news last week.     Jeff, Jer, Tommy and I are going to be back tomorrow morning to talk Idol again. Can’t wait!!!

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

What I should be writing at the top of this diary entry is how proud I am of my 10-year-old baby boy and what we did for his double digit birthday yesterday.  I will.  First, I must get this up out of my gut and purge it so it can be carried away never to be heard  or thought of again.

I’ve been dumped.  Actually, that’s incorrect.  I don’t think it’s possible for someone who was never even mine to begin with to dump me. Let me rephrase:  I’ve been told the truth, finally, after three years of wondering.  ”He,” as many of you predicted, is not into me “that way.”  Ouch.  It hurts the ol’ ego a hell of a lot, but at least now I know.

Here’s what happened:  We went out on Friday night.  We had a dinner, went to a funny show and then came back to my house to watch “The Hangover.”  I’ve been wanting to have “the talk” with him forever, but I always chicken out.  Finally, I just blurted out, “Why don’t you ever want to hold my hand or kiss me or anything.”  Talk about feeling pathetic.  I almost puked right then and there.  He gave me a weak-toast answer “I have guilt issues.”  Wth?    I decided not to press it any further.  As it was, I felt needy and it didn’t feel good at all.

After he left, I wrote him an honest email.  I told him how I felt about him; how much he lights up my world, how my week flies by when I know I’m going to see him at the end of it, how time goes by in a second when we’re together.  I told him that I can’t just be buddies with him.    I like him too much.

He wrote me back today.  He basically said that he doesn’t see me as a love interest.  Ouch. That’s one knife blade in the gut.  He says he doesn’t see a future with me.  That’s another knife blade, a bigger one, in the chest.  He doesn’t want to get in the way of me meeting a great guy.  That  was  a sword this time slicing me  wide open from neck to pelvis.   Got it.  He also told me that he loves being friends and that I make him feel special. Great.  Glad that I could do that for you.

At least I know now.   The thing that makes this such an ego-bruiser is that I gave him my A-Game.  It doesn’t get any better than what I put out there for him.  It’s as good as I get and he didn’t want it. Bam. Done. Shut the door. Lock it.

Perfect day to be “dumped” though.  It’s raining, I’m still in my PJ’s, I’ve had nothing to eat but cake and tortilla chips, I have a zit on my chin and my house is a mess.  Lovely.

Charlie Cain is officially double digits.  We had a very low key birthday party for him at the my house. Just my mom, Jenny, Joe and the kids.   Last night, Charlie got to spend the night with me all by himself…momma time.  We watched a scary movie.  I’m not going to tell you which one because CPS may come to my door if I do.  Suffice it so say it was really gory.  It’s was so over the top gory we laughed through most of it.  Oh, I also took him to Target so he could spend his money on a video game and a camera case.

It’s a trip how close we are.  We communicate without talking, we know when something is wrong with each other even when we’re not together.  He’s sweet, loving, compassionate, intelligent, shockingly witting and funny.  To say I love that kid with my entire being is an understatement.

Here are some of the pix he took with his new digital camera.   He told me in the sweetest way possible that if I ever get him another camera, could I please buy him one that’s not light blue.   I didn’t realize I had done that.  Oops.  See you later, Diary.

Some big clock at Target

He zoomed on on this picture of a rock formation because it looked like a giant pile of poo.  Nice.

Me looking longingly at something I can’t buy.

I don’t know

And, a fat baker statue?!?!

Dear Diary,

My week came to a screaming halt at 4:30 yesterday morning when Charlie came running into my room and puked.  Poor kid had it bad on both ends.  I was supposed to be getting ready for an appearance on Fox 5 News with Jeff and Jer, but I soon realized that wasn’t going to happen.  I managed to get Evan off to school and Charlie situated in my bed with me.  We watched the guys on Fox at 7:50.  Charlie weakly said “I miss the show…” Awww.  Seeing Jeff, Jerry and Tommy on TV made me miss it so very much.  How cute of the sick little kid to feel that way.  Then, he got up and puked again.  I pretty much stayed in bed or near the bed all day.   I couldn’t do the garage show.  I couldn’t go to the meeting we had afterwards, either.   But, when Charlie came back into bed after puking yet again and said “Momma, thank you so much for taking care of me,” none of it mattered.    By Idol time last night, Charlie was feeling better, just a little weak.  That’s when I went around the house and cleaned up all the contaminated spots.  That was not a fun job.  Not one single bit.  I almost lost it.

Speaking of vomit-inducing, I don’t think I’m going to be able to watch The Bachelor this time around.  It’s so creamy how the song “On The Wings of Love” is played everytime they show the dude looking at the pictures of the women.  It’s so cheesy.  But, who am I kidding, I’ll be watching it.

Now an update on the “mystery man” from new year’s eve:

I saw him again on Sunday.  We hung out, kissed and talked and then kissed again.  He’s really very good at it.  I forgot how much I like doing that!   I like him a lot, but he’s got some stuff to work on and figure out (according to him.) I’m going to take that tidbit of info and go with it.  I will not do what us chicks do and start writing my first name with his last name just to see what it looks like.  I will not invision him meeting my kids or my mom.  I will not wait with baited breath for roses to land on my doorstep on V-Day.  Not gonna do any of that stuff.  I’m really glad I’m healthy enough in the head and the heart to see think clearly about this.    He’s really cute and very sweet, though.

Then, there’s “him.”  I’m seeing “him” on Friday for the first time this year.  My heart is still hooked on “him” even though there’s not any indication that the main muscle in his body is attached to mine.  Wait…that’s what she said!   Can’t believe I just wrote that.    But, my intuition tells me it IS.  Delusional?  Probably.

On Saturday night, I’m going to Nobu at the Hard Rock Hotel with a mom from Evan’s class and her husband.  I’m so excited, but a little intimidated that I won’t be cool enough to enter those doors.  She and I are freaking out a bit over what to wear.  Then, on Sunday, it’s my sweet baby boy’s 10th birthday.  Charlie Jamison Cain is going to be in the double digits!    Mom, Jenny,Joe and the kids are coming down to help us celebrate.

On one final note,   I’m a little woozy this morning because I was poisoned by skunk fumes early this morning.  I don’t know what the hell went on outside my window last night, but there was loud hissing and screaming and then skunk smell like you would not believe.  I’m pretty sure it sprayed it’s scent on the wall next to my bed.  I could barely breath.  I was telling the kids about it this morning.  Charlie asked me why I didn’t go out there and see what happened.  I told him that I was scared I was going to find a dead gremlin or a bloody leprechaun or something, so I just went back to sleep.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I will get to the boy kissing incident in a bit.  I’m sorry I’ve been MIA.   The honest truth?  Laziness.    This week, this new year, has pumped me up so much that I need to share some things.

Rather than tell you what I’ve been up to for the last two weeks, and how was my Christmas and how am I doing with no job, blah blah blah, I’m going to get to right to the good stuff.

Yesterday, I taught music in Evan’s kindergarten class.  I actually came prepared with a lesson, I guess.  I bought a book about the orchestra, along with a CD, so I decided to teach the little ones about the sting section of an orchestra.    We (and I do mean me included) learned about the violin, viola, cello, double bass and harp.    After each instrument, I’d play an example of the sounds and music each instrument makes.  Then I asked the class how the music made them feel.   Here are some of the comments, first the violin:  ”It makes me feel like my grandma died,” “I feel like a bad guy is sneaking up on me,” and “I feel like I’m in a castle and a vampire is about to bite me.”

Viola: “This makes me feel like I’m going to cry really hard,” “It makes me feel worried,” and “It makes me feel like I’m in a castle and a vampire is going to bite me.”

Cello and Double Bass: “I feel pretty relaxed with this music,” I want to lay down when I hear this music,” and yes, once again, “I feel like vampires are all around me.”

Harp: “It makes me feel like I’m looking at baby Jesus,” “I feel like I’m and angel floating around,” and “This makes me feel like glitter is falling from the sky.”

Kindergarten teachers must laugh out loud every day.  Those little minds are so entertaining.

After the big lesson, I put on one of the kid songs from a goofy CD I bought somewhere, we all got into a circle and had a dance party.  Each kid got to do his or her moves inside the circle for 30 seconds or so.  Again, hilarious, especially the kid who did the Forrest Gump version of Elvis.

Charlie got into trouble after school yesterday for passing a note in class.  I had to sign the note just so the teacher knew I saw it.   The phrase in said note that raised the red flags was this: “You suck eggs.”   Suck is not something that should be said or written in school, but I sure got a kick out of it, secretly.    Who am I living with, a Little Rascal?

Okay, now the boy kissing.  It’s not the infamous “him” either.  I’m not going to tell you who is it because it’s not polite to kiss and tell.  Is it okay to kiss and tell if his name isn’t mentioned?  I’m thinking yes.  So, it was new years eve and I was at an AA dance at the Scottish Rite Center with Tracy and Tina.   It was exactly how you’re picturing it too; a dj, a dance floor, round tables with white table clothes all around the perimeter and coffee, punch and water for refreshements.  We were all goofing around having a blast together when I got a message from a guy I’ve been flirting with.   Long story short and  a dozen messages later, he’s on his way to meet me in the parking lot!  As I made my way through the giant cloud of smoke from all the AA people cigging it up outside, he texted me “I’m outside!”  OMG!  I about died.  It was like a movie.

I see him walk up.  He looks so cute that I can barely look at him.  We exchange pleasantries, he takes my hand, we walk a little ways away from the building and he says “I had to come for my new years kiss.”  SHUT THE HELL UP IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING.    The answer is a big YES!  Really good kiss, a few of them actually.  I wanted to keep making out with him, but he had to take off.  It was just a drive by kissing, but I was cool with it.  I ran back into the dance with the biggest smile on my face.  It was the best new years eve in recent memory, that’s for sure.

What’s great about this is that it came with no strings attached, either on his side or my side. It is what it is, it was what it was and it was perfect.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I think Jerry is smoking crack or sniffing glue or something because the movie he recommended in his blog was TERRIBLE!    We usually agree on movies, too.   “A Serious Man” was a serious bummer and a bore.  Maybe I’m losing my artsy-fartsyness or something, but I was mad that I spent two hours of my life sitting in the theater watching a miserable man and his miserable family lead a miserable life.    Jerry isn’t the only one smokin’ something, though.  Some very reputable critics gave it great reviews.  I dunno.  I saw it with a smart guy and he didn’t like it either.    I’m talking about Mr. Mensa.  We saw a movie together on Saturday night, but that’s not the most exciting part.  Before that, he invited me to go with him to his twin nieces 3rd birthday party and his sister’s house.  Oh yah,  hung out with his sis and brother-in-law, his mom, dad,  nephew, aunt, cousin and other people he knows.  This is a good thing, right?  If I were an embarrassment, he would keep me away from his family, right?    I’m done reading into it, I’m just happy I got to spend some time with some really good people.  

What?!?!?!  Who am I kidding?  What does this mean?  Are they talking about me?   How many girls has he brought home before?  Am I too old to have his baby?  Seriously, I’m kidding.  But, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, you know what I’m talking about with regards to our run away minds!!!   We plan out our future in our heads constantly.  It kind of sucks.  I wish I had a guy’s mind sometimes.  It seems a whole lot less complicated.  

On the subject of crazy minds, I think I’m making myself sick.  I have no health insurance right now, so of course I believe that I am in danger of dying from a heart condition.  I’ve convinced myself that I have chest pains and numb lips.  I’m pretty sure I may have a parasite and my small intestine is blocked.  It’s so sad because I can’t go to the doctor and get it all checked out.  In reality, I probably have indigestion and low grade anxiety.    Maybe it’s just straight up gas.  It’s probably just gas.  I guess I’m fine.

Charlie said something funny the other night when we were having our bedtime chat.  We were talking about smoking.  I asked him if he remembered me smoking.  He said that he remembers seeing me outside at the old house at night smoking in front of the fire pit.  Dang.  I was hoping that he didn’t remember that.    He is the main reason why I quit almost 3 years ago. I pinky promised him that I would never smoke again.  I told him that he would know if I had a ciggie because he’d be able to smell it on my clothes and my hair  even if I had the ciggie hours and hours ago.     He said, “Momma, if I found out you were smoking again, I’d have to say the F-word really loud.”

I told him that I wouldn’t blame him.  

We’re going to mom’s tomorrow for Thanksgiving.   At my meeting tonight, we talked about how hard it is for a lot of people to get through the holidays because of messed up family dynamics.  I realized how lucky I am to love the people in my family.  I love them all.  I’m so grateful to spend as much time as possible with them.  

I gotta be honest, though, I’m not grateful for that gross yam casserole with the marshmallows on top or any kind of jello concoction.    I’m just sayin’.

See you later, Diary.