Dear Diary,

I may have to give  up my “Mother of The Year” plaque for this one.   I’m sorry, I had to tell Charlie the “cock” story.  I was in a bit of a pickle, so to speak, when Charlie found a picture of Shrek with the word “Cock” on it in the garage.  He asked me “Why does this say “Cock” instead of “Shrek?”   So, I sat him down on my knee and said “Boy, I think it’s time you heard the story about “Cock.”  OMG, I can’t believe I’m typing the word “Cock” so many times already.  Anyway,   I didn’t actually sit him on my knee, but it sounds a lot more Norman Rockwell if I paint the picture that way.

Here’s what I shared with 10-year-old Charlie:

“Char, when you were 2 years old, you LOVED the movie “Shrek.”  You’d watch that movie over and over again.  You’d anticipate your favorite scenes, like the one where Shrek and Donkey first visit the kingdom of Dulac for the first time.  Anway, you loved Shrek the most.   However, you had a problem saying the word “Shrek.”   You’d say “Cock” instead.  So, for example, you’d scream out “Look, Momma, Cock!” or “I wanna see Cock” or “I love Cock.”  Now, the reason this was so funny and so horrifying at the same time is that the word “cock” is a  not-so-friendly way of referring to a man’s…um…how do I say this…most private of parts.  You know, a man’s junk.  So when you’d scream out at the grocery store that you wanted to see cock, it made me very uncomfortable.  This is not a word you need to be using anytime soon or ever for that matter.  It’s not a nice word.  But, it’ll always have a special place in my heart because of your sweet little face uttering that word in the most innocent way.  That, my boy, is the story of Cock.  Oh, and that picture you found is something Jeff made for me on his computer to make me laugh.  Yes, I shared that story with the people who listen our radio show and they all thought it was pretty funny.”

Well, of course, Charlie thought that was hilarious.  I’m hoping I didn’t bust out that story too soon.

Kids do say the funniest things, or the most embarrassing things.  Take Chip, for example, Charlie’s BFF and my part-time son.  He is a riot, but he doesn’t mean to be.  He’s just plain and simple, Chip.  So, we’re at the beach at the Bahia with some friends on a Sunday afternoon.  While the kids were playing in the sand, I was sitting under the canopy having adult time.  I was talking to Gina and a friend of hers who I just met.  We were talking about something very benign, when out of nowhere Chip comes into the picture and says to me “Are you talking about rehab?”  Holy smokes.  No, I wasn’t Chip, but I probably have to now.  Love that kid.  He wanted me to share a video he posted  on his Facebook page.  He thinks it’s HI-larious.  It’s animals farting.  I told him that I’d think about it.

I haven’t had my babies all week because it’s their father’s vacation week.  I did however get to see my boy jump off the OB pier for his Jr Lifeguard program.   I walked him up onto the pier and gave him a little pep talk…kind of.  He was really scared to jump off.  I told him that I didn’t blame him.  I told him about the time I got up onto the high dive at the Keyhole public swimming pool and chickened out at the last minute.  I had to climb back down the ladder while all the kids in line laughed at me.  I told him not to be that kid.  It’s not fun.  Anyway, when it was his turn I got into position with my camera and guess what?  The freekin’ camera didn’t work.  It’s the only time in it’s history that it went blurry.  I think it’s a bit funny because in all those pictures I tried to take, his father was in them.  His dad jumped off the pier with him and then swam to shore with the rest of the group.  I have to show you these pictures.  They are kind of funny.  My camera works perfectly fine now.  I have no idea why it freaked out on that day.  Maybe God was protecting me from my past or whatever.  I dunno.

Tomorrow I get to see my babies again.  Charlie made me promise to take them on a kayak ride in the bay.  We also have to hit our favorite swimming hotstop, The Handlerly Hotel.  We have to do things on the cheap BIGTIME.  I didn’t handle my checking account as carefully as I should have this month.  I have less then a hundred bucks to my name.  I got my hair done for the first time in forever last week and I had to call Vinnie to tell him to hold the check until I get some more money into my account.  How embarrassing is that?!?!?  Argh!  I’m sorry Vinnie.

I’m selling Charlie’s baseball chair if anyone wants to buy it.   It doesn’t fit into his room anymore.  It’s in pretty good shape.  I’ll sell it for $150 bucks.  I told Char that I’d give him the money.  I may have to reneg on that deal.  ha ha.

Oh!!!  Big News!!!  I’m going to the Emmy’s with Tommy!  Yah Berber!  I’m hoping to see John Hamm, aka Don Draper, in person.  I also wanna see the peeps from Breaking Bad and True Blood and Hung and…oh my gosh I’m getting excited.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

Probably the one thing I will be remembered for when I die is that I kept dead animals in my freezer.   There’s a reason behind the freakish act:  I wanted to bury my animals in the pet cemetery we created at the house I grew up in.  Since I grew up in Glendale, I couldn’t just drive up there every time one of my pets died.  So, therefore, I wrapped them up nice and secure and kept them in my freezer until I headed back home to see my family.  You’re probably wondering if I have bad luck with pets.  Not at all.    That pet cemetery has been there a long time. I lived in the house I grew up in since I was 3 years old!  My mom sold the place a few years after my dad died.  Okay, even I’m getting a little creeped out by me right now.  There are no dead animals in my freezer right now, but there’s something else…

According to a friend of mine, if you have a person in your life who is causing you pain or creates any kind of negativity, all you have to do is wrap a picture of this person in tin foil and put them in your freezer.  It is supposed to keep their bad vibes off you.  Totally sounds like witchcraft, but she’s the farthest thing from a witch I know!    She says it totally works for her.  She’s got, like, 4 people in her freezer right now.  There are very few individuals who create a black cloud when I encounter them, so I won’t be filling up my freezer with little aluminum  nuggets.    I may stick one person in there this week because I’m sick of dealing with his or her negativity in my life.  I’ll let you know if the experiment works.  I’m kind of feeling like I’m in the movie “The Craft” right now.

On a completely different note, I haven’t updated you on my Fourth of July encounter.  Unlike “him,” I think this guy may read this so I can’t be too detailed for two reasons:  I don’t want to hurt his feelings or I don’t want to scare him off by being too into him.  Does that make sense? I can say this:  He was a gentleman, he was funny and we talked all night long.  I gave him my number so we may be going out again.  I’ll keep you updated.

This weekend will be an interesting one.   On Saturday, I’m doing the Pride Parade with Erik again this year.  It was so fun last year but so freakin’ hot!  It looks like it’s going to be a lot more bearable this time.    After that, I’m meeting a few of my college sorority sisters at the Hard Rock Hotel for a reunion.  Get this:  it’s the official 80’s and 90’s SDSU Sorority/Fraternity Reunion.  80’s!!!!!  Holy cripes.  I was in college in the late 80’s.  Get me to a nursing home quick!  How did time go by that fast?  I don’t really remember all that many people as I wasn’t totally into the sorority scene.  It was mostly because I couldn’t afford it for more than a year and a half.  However, the one person I loved the most from my Alpha Phi days, Kelly B, is doing this with me.  I haven’t see her since her wedding 12 years ago.    I can’t wait to catch up on all that’s been going on in our lives.  Three of us are sharing a room at the hotel.     It’s going to be a trip watching other people get totally sh*t-canned while I knock back a few diet Cokes.    I think I may be thinner than I was back in the late 80’s because I don’t eat starch 24/7 and I don’t drink.  I was a little more zoftig back then.  But then again, maybe I’m not.  Here are some pics from those days.  Gotta love the 80’s bangs!!!

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

I’ll get to the guy stuff in a bit.   Today is a sad day.  Today we are burying Senor Frogo.  He died unexpectedly in his “sleep” sometime on Sunday night.  I found him floating upside down in his tank.   Senor Frogo was three weeks old and on his way to becoming a bullfrog.  He will never know what it’s like to jump and catch crickets with his bullfrog tongue.  He will never have the chance to utter “ribet, ribet.”  We only hope that all his bullfrog dreams come true up in frog heaven.

This will be my eulogy.  I’m sure Charlie and Evan will have a few words.    Here’s something I’d rather them not know: In my panic upon finding Senor Frogo dead, I scooped him up and flushed him not realizing we’d be having a big funeral.  So, I wrapped up a one of those giant plastic paper clips in some paper towels, put it in an empty check box and wrapped it up tight in a brown paper bag.  I put it in the freezer until this afternoon when I pick up Charlie from science camp.

I just told Evan that I needed her to help me at the grocery store.    Her face lit up and she said “To get decorations??”  I said, “Decorations?  For what?”    She said “The funeral!!!”

Can you imagine? Funeral decorations?  Ha!

On a completely different note, I was worried about Fourth of July this year because I don’t have the kids and I had no plans. I was dreading the thought of staying home and watching fireworks on TV in my PJ’s with a tub of ice cream in my lap.  But, I have been invited to a party.  The person who is throwing this party wants to introduce me to a friend of hers who is “sweet, handsome, a chef and an MMA fighter.”  Hmmm.  The thought of this makes me nervous and uneasy.  What if there is no chemistry whatsoever and I have to hang out with him all night.  What if I really like him and I make an ass out of myself.  I can still do that even when I’m sober.    I also wonder  if this guy is as great as he sounds, why the heck is he single?  But, then again, I’ve been single for going on two and a half years, so what’s my problem!?!?

Whoa.  2 and a half years!  It doesn’t seem like that much time has passed.  I guess I haven’t felt lonely.  I can thank my kids for that.    And you know what?  I don’t need no man to make me feel complete….oh hell no! ha ha.  Just kidding.   When the time is right, I guess.    I still think about “him,”  you know, the one who doesn’t feel “that way” about me.     I’m sure this is just my ego talking but he’s got to realize one of these days that I’m the one for him.  What the heck is he thinking?  How can he not fall in love with me?  It makes no sense.  Ha ha.  Just kidding about all that, too…kind of.  I sound like that chick from Saturday Night Live “just kidding, just kidding, just kidding.”

I also have the New Year’s Eve guy who makes me smile every time I think about him.   We totally have chemistry, lots and lots of it, but neither of us is in a place to take it any further.   Let me rephrase, HE”S not in a place to take it any further.  It’s all good.  He’s a great person and so flippin’ hot!

Anyway, I’ll let you know what happens on Sunday.

See you tomorrow, Diary.

Dear Diary,

In honor of Father’s Day, I want to tell you about my dad.   I believe he was the best dad there ever was.  His name was David.  He was tall and thin, but he worked out every morning in the garage (which he turned into a gym.)   He was way ahead of his time because no one had in-home gyms.  His was a little rustic.  He poured cement into a big oil can and stuck a metal pole into it and that’s where he hung his punching bag.  Two of them.  One was a little one.  I was always amazed that he could punch that thing so fast.  I remember how it sounded from upstairs “Cha-cha-da-da cha-da-da-cha-da-da” The other punching bag was a big heavy long one.  He drew a bad guys face on it so he could punch it hard.  We loved playing in his gym.  He had weights and one of those standing crunch devices, that he made himself.    So, he was thin, but he was buff!    We used to make fun of him because he had no hair on his chest.  His reply  was always “Hair doesn’t grow on steel.”

Stacey and I were talking about how ahead of his time my dad was.  Back in the early 80’s, he had one of the first car phones.  He also had a “talking car.”  The only thing I remember it saying, in a female voice was “the door is ajar.”  Weird, huh?   He always, and I mean ALWAYS made us put our seatbelts on from as early as I can remember.  No other parent made me put on my seat belt.  This was way before  the shoulder strap was put into every car.   He also made us floss and eat dinner by 5pm so we wouldn’t be all full and bloated right before bedtime.

My dad was so funny.  He was hilarious, in fact.  He was always making us laugh. I bet that’s why he was so good at being a salesman.  He could charm the pants off of anybody.  But, he was never fake, ever.  In fact, he hated “phonies.”  There were a few times when he’d make a comment to my mom that one of her friends was a “phony.”  Ha ha.

My dad used to stay home with us every weekend.  He’d take us hiking in the local hills and even up to the 2 Freeway, which was being built when I was 9 years old.  So, we’d run and play on the freeway where  the show “CHiPs” was filmed!  It was pretty cool.  He also used to play endless games of “HORSE” with us.  If he lost,  we’d get ice cream sundaes from Baskin Robbins.  If we lost, we had to buy him an “Asahi” beer or a “Grolsch.”  He would actually send us into the liquor store with money and we’d buy him beers at 10 years old!

In college, my dad would come down and take us all out to dinner at Anthony’s or Soup Plantation.  Whenever I was stressed or sad or homesick, he’d be the one I’d call.  He gave the best advice.  I miss talking to him so much.

He died on December 16th, 1998 suddenly.  He was 60. My mom found him trying to get back into bed.  He had apparently hemmoraged from an undetected ulcer.  Terrible stuff, I know.  I feel as if he was taken away to watch over us better than he ever could here on earth.  I have to believe in something like that.  And, I really do.

I’ve tried to make him a part of Charlie and Evan’s life, too.   I told them that whenever they find a penny, it’s from Grandpa Dave.  I tell them he’s trying to say “Hi, I’m watching you.”  Sometimes, I’ll hear Evan say “Hi Grandpa!!” and realize she’s found a penny on the sidewalk.  And, I don’t know if you know this or not, but my dad was the only person who ever saw the tooth fairy up close.  My dad said she’s a tiny, but beautiful little thing with long wavy amber colored hair.    Evan makes me tell her that story all the time.

Happy Father’s Day Dad.  I miss you and love you and am so grateful I had you as my father. How lucky am I?

Happy Dad’s Day to all of you dads out there.   I love dads.

See you later, Diary.

The topic of my meeting last night was judgement..  How we are constantly judging others and that makes for a negative way of living.   The person who looks like they have it all together on the outside, may be a suffering mess on the inside.  Just because someone has a boat load of money doesn’t mean they are at peace.  To quote Notorious BIG, “Mo Money, Mo Problems.”  That got me thinking about how I judge others.  A lot of times the things that really irritate me about a person are a direct reflection of things I don’t like about myself.  I point a finger at somebody and three are pointing back at me.

Cast in point:  There’s a woman in one of my yoga classes who bugs the heck out of me.  I’ve never talked to her, I’ve never looked her directly in the face, but I obsess over everything this woman does.   The way her hair curls, the way she wears her sweats pulled all the way up to her belly button, the way she does the poses….all of that makes me cringe.   It’s the weirdest thing.  I rarely have a reaction to someone like this.   I’ve been trying to figure out what it is in me that is making this poor yoga woman such an irritant.  I’m working on it.

I was just thinking about how I’m going to try to be less critical when we get back on the air.   I’ll talk about all my TV shows without being mean.  For now, though, I’m going to let it out:

Real Housewives of New York:  Kelly is a total and complete nutcase.  She looks like a man and she talks like a man.  I’m sorry, but dude, she needs a check-up from the neck-up.  Jill is one of the ickiest people I’ve ever seen on TV.  She is jealous and fame has gotten to her head, big time.  Her voice is something we could use to torture terrorists.  I’m liking the new feisty Alex.  Sonja is okay, but she has a frog face.

Real Housewives of New Jersey:  I’m sorry but Teresa’s husband is a troll.  He looks like he’s about to pop.  Her kids are brats and her house is cold and gaudy.  Danielle is horrible and those goons she has as her “bodyguards” are ridiculous.   Carolyn thinks her family is hot Sh@$, but they’re not all that.

Bachelorette:  Ali is cute, but her laugh is so fake it makes my ears itch.   Most of the dudes are goofy looking.  The dates are way too over the top already.  I missed it last night, but my sister told me that the weatherman got booted.  That’s good because he’s GAY!  HELLO!!!

Toddlers and Tiaras:  Really?  You  crazy stage mothers are spending tons of money to basically insure that your child turns into a complete disrespectful brat.  You can’t tell me that these women are doing this FOR THEIR KIDS.  No way.  They are doing it to make themselves looks and feel good.  So sad.

Okay, I think that’s all the judging I’m going to do.  I gotta say, it doesn’t really feel good being negative.

On a positive note, Holly made me a copy of the new “OneRepublic” and Laura made me a copy of “Broken Bells” so I have something new to listen to.  I get to see my kids today.  Charlie’s tadpole (which is huge, by the way) is still alive.   So is Evan’s fish.  They won them at the fair.  True Blood is back.  I put self tanner on last night and it didn’t streak.   And, I tried out one of my Chanel tattoos.  I read every one of your comments and decided to keep them.  I’m glad I did.  It’s a little bit of cool on this otherwise ink-free  body.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

When I tell you this, you’re going to yell at your computer screen.  You may scream things such as “What the F were you thinking?” or perhaps “That’s ridiculous!” or maybe even “Who do you think you are?”  I’ve been hesitant to bring this up in my diary because I know what ya’ll are going to say.  Hear me out before you tell me to march my silly butt back to Nordstrom and take them back.

Ok…deep breath.

On Saturday morning, Nicole invited Tracy and I to a make-up trend event  at Nordstrom Fashion Valley.  It was so fun.  We got a free tote bag and free samples up the wazoo.   The fashion show was cool because a rep from all the big names in make-up, Chanel, Dior, Smashbox, Laura Mercier, etc, got up onstage to show us the newest and greatest products.  There was one product that I found extremely cool.  In fact, I was so obsessed with this thing that I had to rush down to the Chanel counter before the hoards of make-up crazed women got there and snapped them all up.    I had a hundred dollars cash (birthday present) that I was ready to spend.

I bought the Chanel temporary tattoos.  There are 55 tattoos in the pack.   I don’t have a tattoo, nor do I really want something permanent on my body, but I’ve always wanted to feel cool like that.  This purchase seemed like a perfect birthday present to me.  How much for the pack of temporary tattoos you ask?

75 bucks.

I pretty much spend my whole wad on these things.  Since Saturday, I’ve had a bit of buyers’ remorse.  It’s not because I don’t like them, because I love them.  It’s because I spent 75 bucks on something my daughter gets out of the vending machine at the corner taco shop for 50 cents.  Here are some pictures of the Chanel temporary tattoos:

Will someone give me the okay to keep them?  Please?  Or maybe slap me hard across the face through the computer screen to wake me up.  I haven’t used any of them…yet.

On another note, my entire family (with the exception of my brother because he’s in China teaching English) came down Sunday for a family photo shoot.   The last time we had a professional family photo shoot was back in 1987.  We still laugh at how horrible those pictures turned out.  This time,  they turned out awesome.  Here’s one of my sister and my momma.

Jenny and I pretending to be America’s Next Top Model contestants.

LAME!  Although, Jenny looks cute.

Our poor mother.

There were so many good ones to choose from.  I’m so happy we did one with all the kids and Joe, too. If you want to name of a great photographer, lemme know.  I’ll send you her info.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

Something sad happened the other day, my birthday.  The kids and I found out that Johnny died.  Johnny was the quail that just showed up on my back deck one day.  He was the cutest little guy, so tame and so friendly.  He came to my bedroom door at the same time for three days.  Then, on Saturday, he didn’t show up.  Same thing on Sunday.  Charlie and Evan didn’t have a chance to see him but I showed them pictures of him.  I thought of him as a good luck charm.  I’ve never seen a quail in my whole life so this was an exciting little discovery for me.    The night of my birthday, the kids and I were headed out the door to go to Daddy O’s, a fun sounding restaurant, for my birthday celebration.   Carol was in the yard with the cats.  I asked her if she’d seen Johnny in the last few days.  She said “Oh, I have a sad story to tell you about Johnny.”  Great.  She went on to say that our other neighbor, Bruce, found Johnny in the back alley, dead.  He’d been hit by a car or killed by something.  It hit me really hard for some reason, but I sucked it up and thanked her and off we went.

On the way to the restaurant, I look over at Charlie and see giant tears running down his face.  ”What’s wrong, Charlie?”  He says, through sobs, that he’s so sad he never got to meet Johnny and that he’s dead.  I look in my rearview mirror and see Evan’s face dissolve into tears, too.  So, here I am, driving on the 8, with two sobbing kids in the car because Johnny’s dead.  I look over and see the Dave & Buster’s sign and quickly pull off the freeway.

“Guys, we’re going to D&B’s instead!  Let’s play games and win a bunch of prizes.  No more crying on my birthday.  Johnny’s in a better place.  It’s just the way nature is sometimes.”

Charlie wipes his face and says “Okay Momma, I’m going to win you something really big.  Just give me a minute.  And, I don’t want to talk about Johnny again because it’s too much for me.”

“Okay.”

So, we had a blast at D&B’s.  Charlie won a bleep-load of tickets and ended up with two tiny stuffed monkeys, which he had to keep.  Cool with me.  Evan won enough for three rubber frogs and a frisbee.  It took us about an hour to pick out the toys.  That prize room at D&B’s is so frustrating.

Here’s a picture of Johnny.  He was so cool looking.

My birthday weekend was awesome!  Stace came in on Saturday and so did Colleen.  We spent the day eating, talking, laughing and crying.  We sat on my couch and talked for 7 hours straight.  It’s really amazing what’s happened in our lives over the past few years.   Colleen had to leave that night.  I wish she could’ve stay longer.  We had so much more to talk about.  I feel so lucky to have friends like Colleen and Stace…friends I’ve known since I was younger than Evan!  It doesn’t matter how much time goes by, we are right back to being friends the minute we see each other.

We were cracking up because I had the camera on timer and couldn’t get into the picture fast enough.  This pic was the 10th time we tried it!!

On Sunday, Tommy surprised me with a party at the Claim Jumper.  I loved talking to all the friends who showed up.  I just felt the love and happiness in the room.  It was so cool that Stace got to be there with me.  And, all my Facebook friends wishing me a happy birthday made me feel so good.  Thank you if you were one of them!:)  Here’s some pix from the Claim Jumper night.

All in all, it was the best birthday yet.

On another note,  a friend told me about this dating website called “Plenty of Fish.”  I was bored one day, so I signed up (it’s free.)  I really don’t know why I’m doing this.  It’s entertaining to say the least.  I have no intention of really going on a date because I don’t really want to.  So, I don’t know why I actually joined.  Oh well.  I’m getting a lot of “action,” though, and not the good kind.  Here’s an example of one of the guys who I was matched with.  There are his hobbies:

“Backrubs, jacuzzi, oils, romance, candles, backrubs, wine.”

And this is his “about me” paragraph…word for word:

“Ok not talking about me,amazing talking about how amazing there are so many women on here that are computer photoshop wizards! Lol if you only have headshots and none of your body at all I will take a pass( unless your readily willing to send one) see I almost deleted this profile ye ,be real your gonna meet and if you have BS pictures and misrepresent yourself you just look silly and leave yourself even more frustrated I am sure, there is someone for everyone,sorry if that sounds judgemental but why waste time if you know what you are looking for…I do have apretty good Idea of what I want in a partner ..”

Um…yeah…not feelin’ it.

Another one who sent me a message through this website is an MMA fighter on the weekends.   He seems cute, he’s tall and he likes to take naps.  He was also born the year I graduated from HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!!!

Why am I doing this to myself!!!!???!?!?

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

My eHarmony subscription just ran out, which is good because my last match was named “Perspective.”  I’m not even kidding.   Maybe I’ll try that whole online dating thing another time.  Stacey is coming to visit next weekend, so we can discuss my next course of action, if there is one.  So excited to have Stacey all to myself for three whole days.  Our favorite thing to do is sit in my bed, eat salty and sweet snacks and watch bad TV.  I’m talking really bad TV like “16 and Pregnant” and “True Life” and “Cheaters” and all those tacky judge shows that are on in the middle of the day.  She leaves on my birthday, which is May 24th.    It’s the perfect birthday weekend.

Let me update you on a few things:

1.  Telling “my story” at my Monday night meeting went real smooth.  At one point, I looked out into the group of faces and saw that they were all wide-eyed and some mouths were open.  I took that as a good sign.   I tried to focus on the positive that’s come from all of this.   I basically said that when I was drinking and using, I had everything…a house, a husband, a fantastic job, two beautiful kids, cars, clothes…you name it…but I was empty and sad.  Now that I’m sober, I don’t own a darn thing, no car, no house, no credit cards, no husband, but I am full and happy and hopeful.

2.  Mother’s Day was awesome.  This kids got dropped off at around 9am.  Charlie made me one of the best omelets I’ve ever had (I, of course, had to clean up the mess he made a day later, but oh well.) I told them that I wanted to take them to Target to pick out a toy before we went swimming.  Charlie looked at me and said “You are not my mother.  Where did she go.”  I said “Wait a minute, I always do fun things”  He said “I know, but it’s Mother’s Day and you’re going to buy us a toy?”  Yep!  So, that’s what we did.    By the time we made it out to the parking lot, the wind had kicked up and the clouds had rolled in and it was COLD.  The kids still wanted to go swimming so we drove to Little Italy and met Erik on the 8th floor of his building.  That’s where the pool is.  Really cool view of the bay and the buildings, but holy smokes it was cold.  I stayed in the jacuzzi while they swam. Kids seem to have no cold barometer.     After that we went home and played my favorite game “Momma takes a nap.”  Super fun day for all of us.

3. Charlie’s big day happened on Saturday.  First, he passed his swim test so he gets to do lifeguard camp this summer.  After passing that test, he gets to his baseball game and hits his first home run!  It was an in-the-park hom4e run, too!  Sunday night, we laid in his fort and relived the whole thing.  He said that all he saw was the pitcher and the ball and that the rest of the players and the field disappeared from his view.  I told him that’s what it feel like to be in the ZONE!  He so needed that day to boost his confidence.  He’s on a roll now.

I’m sure there’s more to talk about, but I have to figure out what I’m going to teach those kindergarteners today.  I bought a rhythm stick CD.  5 year olds and wooden sticks seem like a bad combo, but we’ll see!!!

See you later Diary.

Dear Diary,

So many things to discuss…again.  Let me get to the heat of it:

We have to talk about LOST.  O.M.G.    I was sitting on my bed eating chips and salsa CRYING, and not because the salsa was hot, it was mild!    Last night’s episode was a killer, literally!  How the heck is this thing going to end?  It’s like waiting until Christmas to open your presents.  I don’t want to wait!  I want to know what the fudge is going on right now!  And, I’m more in love with Jack now than ever.  He’s so cute.  Oh Sun.  Oh Jin.  Oh Sayid.

I’m not proud that I watch and enjoy Real Housewives of New Jersey, but I do it anyway.  What the heck is wrong with that Danielle chick?  She’s psychotic.  Her poor girls.  And Caroline who thinks her family is the best friggin’ thing on planet earth.  ARGH!    I’m bugging out, but I’ll be watching next week for sure.

I have to show you where my children slept last night.

Evan’s fort:

Charlie’s fort

Their forts are side by side divided by chairs and quilts.    When I drove by my house today, I was horrified because through the window all you see is overturned furniture and mounds of pillows and blankets.  It looks like I’m moving!

After I got them out of their caves,  we got ready for school…all of us…because I was one of the drivers for Charlie’s class field trip.  We went to the symphony today.   Because I’ve been teaching music to Evan’s kindergarten class, I’ve learned all about the instruments and where they’re positioned and how the conductor moves.  I enjoyed myself so much.  It felt awesome being able to name all the instruments by just hearing the sound of each one.  Meanwhile, I look around at the kids and it looks like all of them were sleeping with their eyes open.   I had to laugh because one boy sitting behind Charlie and I looked like he was he was in a deep deep trance.  I think he may have had a little bit of drool seeping down his chin.  All and all, I think it was a marvelous experience.    I felt pity for the unfortunates who were unable enjoy the brilliant cacophony of sound.  (I’m trying to be fancy.  It’s not working, is it?)

Tonight while driving home from a step-study class, one of the girls in the car said this to me “I have nicknames for everyone in our group.  Yours is Shera.”

Uh….

She told me that after I spoke at the Monday night meeting, she came up with the name.  I’ve heard of Shera, but I don’t know what “she” is, so I looked her up to see if this girl was insulting me or not.

Well, how-dee-do!  Check out Shera:

I’m not quite sure what I said to make her think of Shera, but it must have been kick-ass!  ha ha.     Speaking of my Monday night meeting, I was fairly pleased with how I presented “my story.”   I was only able to speak for 15 minutes because we ran out of time.  I was on a roll.  I could’ve gone on for an hour!   Part of me that was a little miffed that I couldn’t  include everything.   That’s my ego screaming at me.  Gotta check that at the door.   Ego and pride are two things that get ugly when they get out of control.

A few more things:

The other day Charlie looked at what I was wearing and said “Why are you wearing tennis shoes?  You never wear tennis shoes.”

I replied “Kid, what planet have you been living on?  I always wear these shoes.”

“Momma, no you don’t.  You always wear high heels.”

I love that he has the impression that I’m always super fancy.  That made me laugh so hard.   Hey, if he wants to think that his mom is always dressed to the nines, I’m totally good with that.

One more thing:   A friend of mine was talking about hair and she mentioned something that I thought was genius!  She told me that somewhere in LA you can go to “Blow-out Bootcamp!”  It’s a class about how to blow dry your hair like your hairdresser does it.  She says it’s super expensive though.    Before we get back to work, I think I’m going to try to enroll in the following bootcamps:

Blow-out Bootcamp , Make-up Bootcamp,  Self-Tanner Application Bootcamp, Closet-Cleaning Bootcamp, Garage-Organizing Bootcamp and Dating Bootcamp.

The word “Bootcamp” is kind of tripping me out right now.

See you later, Diary.

Dear Diary,

There are many things we have to discuss.  I need to know your thoughts on the following topics:

1.  Vag-azzling.  Do you know of this?  Apparently, Chelsea Handler had Jennifer Love Hewitt on her show and they talked about this.  It’s basically decorating the freshly waxed area of you lady parts with stick on rhinestones!    Things like stars, hearts, and lightning bolts for Chargers fans.  Would you do this?  If I had a funny boyfriend, I might just to make him laugh.  But I don’t, so that won’t be happening.

2. Real Housewives of NY.  I actively dislike these women, so why do I watch?  It really makes no sense to me.  They are all spoiled brats.  Ramona is a complete freak with those scary eyes.  Her poor daughter looks just like her dad, which isn’t all that great.  Jill is the worst.  What a cooze (as Jerry would say. He hates it when I say this!  ha ha).  That woman can’t stand to be wrong.  Bethany is probably the only one I like.  LuAnn is horrible, too.  I feel so stupid that I even care!

3. Chocolate that makes you poop?  I don’t mean to be gross, because it’s not.  It’s a new line of chocolate that people are selling these days.  It’s kind of like a Xango type thing or a Mona Vie deal.  I went out to dinner with a group of great women last night.  One of them is selling this stuff.  It doesn’t have any sugar, it’s made from natural ingredients.  She claims that it helps with depression and health and allergies and just about everything else you can think of, including constipation.   She gave me a piece and it was so good.

4. Are more guys cheating these days?  This was a discussion we had last night.  We were trying to figure out if cheating is happening more and more, or if it’s just because it’s all over the media. One of the women said that one in four women are cheated on.   There were four of us last night and one of us was in that category.  hmmmmm.  I think it’s all the media exposure myself…Tiger, Jessie, Larry, Tiki….

5. Lost.  Seriously.  If these people end up being dead, I’ll be mad because the creators told us awhile ago that they were not dead and they were not in purgatory.  What else can it be??

6.   Evan and I love this song!  It’s called “All The Right Moves.”  He sounds kind of like Annie Lennox.  Cool song.

All The Right Moves

7. I have 2 speaking engagements coming up in May.  They both have to do with being a mom in recovery and making it through hard times with laughter.   I’m going to try to write some of it out this weekend, just so I’m prepared.  Maybe I’ll post it so you can read it and give me feedback before I take it to the podium.

So last night,  Michelle, Tracie, Bridget and I had some eats at Kensington Grill, which happens to be in my hood.    The minute I walked in, the girls said “You need to see our server.  He’s so cute.  You need to talk to him.”   Immediately I’m shy and embarrassed.  Well, he comes up to take my drink order and yes, oh yes, he’s so cute.   I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all my game.  Maybe I never even had any.  Michelle asks him what he thinks of the cheating scandals in the media these days.  He responded with “I think as many women cheat on men as men cheat on women.  I think it’s the same.”   I thought that was a decent answer.   We were trying to figure out what else to ask him.  We got onto the topic of signs.  Bridget and I are Gemini’s.  We were laughing so hard because Gemini’s love being around each other, but some other signs can’t stand to be around them.  So true.  Anyway, I said that if “cute server guy” is an Aquarius, I’ll freak because my dad was an Aquarius and we got along great.  ”He” is an Aquarius, too.  We also clicked perfectly.  ”He” just didn’t feel it like I did.   Michelle asks the question: “What sign are you?”   He says “Aquarius.”  I scream like an idiot.  How lame am I?  Argh.  Then, the fatal question:  ”How old are you?”  He says “33.”  Hmmm.  I can do that, right?  It’s not even ten years difference.  Right?  Right?

We left the restaurant at 10pm.    We just said goodbye to him and left.  I have no guts at all.  Maybe I run into Mr. Hotstuff around the neighborhood.  I think his name was Adam.  He probably has a girlfriend.   Yah, I’m sure he has a girlfriend.  Oh well.

See you later, Diary.